The Last 4 Years...

4 1/2 Years ago, he was obnoxious.
4 1/2 years ago, I couldn't decide whether I liked him or hated him.
4 years ago, I was inexplicably drawn in by something about him.
4 years ago, I decided that even though he was obnoxious, I liked him.
4 years ago, he decided to randomly call me one night, and the night after.
4 years ago, we officially became a couple.
3 3/4 years ago, I fell in love.
3 1/2 years ago, pretty much everyone thought we were glued together- some thought it was cute, others, juvenile.
3 years ago, he graduated from high school and started college.
2 years ago, I graduated from high school and started college.
22 months ago, he asked me to marry him. I happily accepted.
13 months ago, we got our first apartment and started living together.
7 months ago, I got really sick. I got so sick I lost a big part of my memory, I was scared all the time, and I felt like I was going crazy. He was still there.
6 months ago, I started to feel better, but we had to move in with my parents. He was still there.
3 months ago, I screwed up majorly and significantly hurt our relationship. He stayed anyway.

3 days ago, we celebrated our 4 year anniversary. We're happy, honestly and truly happy. No lies, no deception, no false pretenses, no fine print. We're a happy couple. We have friends, we have family, we have each other. We're getting back on track to having a life again.
3 days ago, I realized, for the millionth time, just how amazingly lucky I am to have this man in my life.
3 days ago, I tried on a wedding dress for the very first time, with my best friend standing by my side, and I felt every bit as beautiful as he tells me I am.
3 days ago, I realized that nothing can ever measure up to love. Of all the possible emotions, nothing can ever envelop a person like love. Anger and hate burn and consume, sadness overwhelms, happiness explodes, but love... love pervades everything. Love manages to fill every crack and crevice. Love can replace other emotions, but nothing can ever replace love.

Tonight, I lay in bed, unable to sleep. I lay next to this wonderful man, snoring lightly beside me, too exhausted from a day's worth of work to care that I'm typing 2 feet from his face, and I write these things, to try, even for an instant, to capture the essence of what I feel in this moment.
Tonight, I look at the man I love, and I do not care whether I wear the dress I tried on 3 days ago. I do not care that we have had our trials and rough spots to work through. I do not care that I lost a part of my life. I do not care that we live with my parents. I do not care that some of my friends don't understand. I do not care about what people said about us in high school. I do not care that I once thought he was obnoxious. I do not care about anything other than this moment, and in this moment, I love the man lying next to me. I love him with every part of me, and there is nothing that can take away from that feeling.

4 years ago, I never thought I would find the right guy. 4 years ago, I thought high-school romances were doomed for failure. 4 years ago, I never would have thought that I'd be one of those people to settle down and get married before turning 25. 4 years ago, I didn't believe in true love.
4 years ago, I never thought that things would turn out the way they have.

But Tonight, I am completely happy to be here, in this moment, with my life as-is... so long as he is beside me, and I know now that he always will be.

What is it about anger?

What is it about anger that feels so good? What is it that provides anger with than inherent quality to grow and feed upon itself? To harbor negativity and somehow enjoy being consumed by it? Anger is one of the strongest emotions, and so hard to control, and yet being angry feels so good!

Why is it that I just ended one of the strongest friendships of my life, and yet I feel no remorse? I am a happy person. I never yell at people. I may complain behind their backs, but I am never bitchy to someone's face. Never. Yet here I am, having royally and sarcastically bitched out my best friend, wait, former best friend, and damn, I feel amazing. How is that possible? How can it feel good for me, a genuinely nice person, to be so mean?

I used to think that anger comes first and sadness follows. I've spent the last 2 or 3 days waiting for the sadness to catch up with me. Waiting for the realization that I ended my closest friendship to hit me, and for regret or remorse or guilt... but none of that came. Last night it occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, I'm wrong. Maybe instead of anger and then sadness, maybe it's the opposite. I have spent the last several months being sad. I have spent a significant amount of time mourning the slow decline of a friendship I valued greatly. I have convinced myself that by continuing to try, that I was doing the right thing, and that I didn't really want to lose that relationship. I finally gave up hope of salvaging that relationship, and I let the anger get to me. I let the irritation and resentment catch up, and I spent some time trying to talk myself out of it. I tried to tell myself that anger wasn't real, and that I had nothing to be angry about. It didn't work. It finally got to the point where I didn't care about what I might be losing, because by letting out my anger, I was freeing myself, and that's exactly what I did. I did what I've always secretly wanted to, but never had the courage to do. I let out exactly what I was thinking, in the smart-ass, bitchy, sarcastic manner that I had in my head. I let go of the resentment, and the anger, and I would have kept going had I had the chance. As it is, a part of me still harbors more resentment that I couldn't get out of my system, but the majority of me feels freer and happier than I have been in months. So yes, the sadness of my loss might catch up to me eventually, but I don't think so. I think the time for grief has passed, and now that the anger has passed as well, I think I can finally let go and move on.

Anger is a curious thing. It grows and consumes a part of the soul, and left to its own devices, it can take over. Taming anger is an honorable goal, and should be practiced by all. However, I strongly believe that at some point, anger will express itself, with little regard for consequences. At some point, it takes over the mind and the intellect, and brings apathy instead of worry. It calms inhibitions, and unleashes itself. It can be controlled, but at what cost? Isn't it sometimes better to free oneself of its hold?

My Not-So-F*ed Up Brain: Part 2

I just got back from the newest appointment at the Mayo. I had another EEG this morning, and everything came back normal again, yay! At this point, we discussed with my doctor what's going to go on next. I'm going to decrease and taper off of one of my meds over the next 3 weeks to a month, and, assuming that there are no recurring symptoms, I won't need to return to the Mayo until this time next year. In that time, I will continue to be on my other medication, as a precaution. So, all is good on the medical front, yay!!!!

Back On My Feet Again

The world loves me again. I feel great. I have had a great week, and I am loving it!

I got my sandan... my third degree black belt. I was surrounded by my karate family, surrounded by people who understand me and what I do, and I did my best to prove myself, and I earned my sandan. It still hasn't entirely sunk in, but wow, I feel incredible. I always thought this was what I was going for, but I know now that even this isn't enough. Sensei said last night that at every stage of the game, a person has to evaluate and create goals, and I know now that although I have reached a level I never dreamed of, I'm not done yet. I've come this far, and I'm going to continue doing karate until I am unable to do it anymore, because it is my life's passion, and it's the one thing that makes me truly happy.

I'm driving again. I tried calling the DMV and they told me they would not inform me if I am allowed to drive, only if I'm not. So, that being said, and considering I have a note from my doctor clearing me to drive, damnit, I'm going to drive. I love it. I have my freedom back. I have my music back. I can crank up my rock-out-tunage until it doesn't go any louder, and I frickin love it. I have my life back!!!

I spent several hours yesterday with Hailey, who I haven't spent any time with in a year at least. We gossiped and talked and caught up, and it was great.

My parents are on vacation. I cleaned the house. I took Turbo outside. Shawn has the weekend off. I might be baking with Michelle tomorrow. I get to finally have some time to myself, and feel independent again. I can finally feel like me again!

On the down side, I miss my friends more than ever. It was great to hang out with Hailey again, but catching up and talking always reminds me of the people who have run screaming from my life, or those who have slowly faded away. All she had to say was "he misses you" and I just about lose it. Of the 6 or 7 people in my life that I have been closest to and trusted the most, only 2 or 3 remain. I love them, and I can't complain, but what about the others? What happened to my great circle of support? As much as I love my life and finally feel like the pieces are falling together again, I can't help but miss the aspects that are gone.

But, yet again, I'm complaining when I have only things to be thankful for. I am happy again. My life is good again. I am moving forward, and embracing life as it comes at me. Let's just hope it stays that way!