It's NeverEnding

So I know that a month ago when I posted, I was fairly confident it would be my last. I was wrong, because here I am again, back at it.

I once had a friend tell me that told me, convinced me, that my health problems would get better. Things would pass and I would be fine. That friend was wrong. I am not better. I am not getting better. If anything, I might be getting worse, and it is terrifying.

Last June, when I tried to come off one of my meds, the Dr. said that "if everything goes well, we won't see you until this time next year." Since that day, I have had 4 major tonic-clonic seizures, and so many simple-partials (or lightheaded spells, as I once referred to them) that I have lost count.

Yesterday I spent the afternoon in the ER. Usually hospitalization isn't necessary for a person with epilepsy. They have a seizure, and as long as they dont hit their head on anything, should be fine once they wake up. Shawn knows this, but he decided it would be good to call 911 yesterday because I wasn't breathing and had turned blue.

The scariest part is that this happened in the middle of the day. All my other large seizures have happened as I've been waking up in the morning. I have never had a simple little one generalize into a larger full-blown convulsion before. I am terrified. Before, I could rely on the fact that the chances of something happening to me are slim when I'm at work or school because all my major seizures have been as I'm waking up... but that's not the case anymore. What will happen next? Will they ever find meds that work for me?

I tried to go on another medicine about 3 weeks ago, and after 2 weeks of it, I broke out into a rash and fever for 3 days. I had to stop that medication, obviously. There are people who go their entire lives without finding a drug cocktail that works for them. What if that's me? What if I never get my license back? What if I have a seizure at work, or in the middle of class? I know that I'm probably stuck with this for the rest of my life, but what happens in 5 or 10 years when I want kids? Am I going to be able to stay home alone without fear of something happening to me?

In the course of one afternoon, so many things have changed, and my fear has exponentially spiked. What happens next? My health problems are not getting better. They are getting worse. I don't know if we can fix it. I am broken.