I've been absent from blogging a long time. I've been busy. My life has been changing. A lot has been going on, and as usual, I have a lot to think about. As for where I've been and what I've been doing, I graduated from college!!!! Yay!!!!!!!!! I officially have a bachelor's degree from Macalester College. I majored in Religious Studies, minored in Classics, and every time I tell people that, they immediately ask "and what are you going to do with that?" Well, I am going to go to Vanderbilt Divinity School in Nashville Tennessee and pursue my Masters degree in Theological Studies. After that I will go on to get a PhD with the ultimate goal of teaching and being a professor. I do not intend on being a pastor or minister or whatever, although many of my peers will. So that's the scoop on what has been going on and what the plan is.
Even better, Shawn got into law school! He has always wanted to go to William Mitchell Law School here in St Paul, and he got accepted! So.... we are going to do a long distance relationship for the next 2-3 years. It will be difficult. I am so happy for him though, I can't even begin to describe it. The reason we decided to split up is because neither of us wanted to give up school for our relationship; we both have our dreams at our fingertips, and we have been together for 6 years, surely we can survive a little bit of long-distance.
The marriage thing has been getting me down lately though. We have been together for nearly 6 years. We have been engaged for 3 1/2. I want to get married. I don't want to plan another 3 years out. I don't want to postpone indefinitely. I want to just do it already. We call each other husband and wife. I want desperately to just get it over with so that I can get out of this stage of limbo. Right now I start to feel bitter towards others who are starting to get married or talking about engagements because I feel like I'm just perpetually STUCK. I'm sick of being stuck. I don't care if we even have a wedding anymore, I just want to have the title of officially being married, but I know that if we just go to the courthouse I'll regret it later.
Lately I've been thinking that next year is the time to do it. Next summer. But then we have to figure out how to afford it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so frustrated.
I move to Nashville in early August, but Shawn and I are also moving in 3 weeks to a bigger apartment in St Paul. He wants a roommate for the school year, so we are moving to a 2 bedroom apartment with his friend Mike and the three of us are going to live together whenever I'm not in Nashville and it'll just be the boys when I'm gone. I'm really glad that Shawn has a friend, but at the same time, I'm a bit jealous. I wish I had a friend. We hang out with Mike a lot, and Shawn's other friends Megan and Tim, and I feel like I don't really have friends anymore. I can always call Kristi, but she is always a few hours away. Laura is nearby, but she rarely wants to hang out. Did I mention she is coming to Nashville with me? She is. She got into Vandy's nursing program. However, no matter the fact that we're friends, we still only hang out once a month or so. So much for best friends. I really miss having someone to share secrets with and talk to at any hour of the day and just bare the depths of my soul to. The last person I did that with was Krista, or other people who are just gone. People who have left, or were bad influences. I want to have a best friend again. I want to have someone who is there for me every day. Someone who I'm not romantically involved with- it's just different with Shawn- and I just want to be able to talk to someone. I miss people. I am just so lonely all the time.
My life is working out. I graduated. I know where I'm going and what I'm doing. Things are good, but that doesn't mean I'm completely happy yet.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
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