Happy New Year!
Part of me wants to start fresh, with an optimistic perspective, and write about the possibilities and opportunities to come. Luckily, my gag reflex overrules that, and I am much more willing to approach the new year with a cautious skepticism, realism rather than optimism, and continual thought as to where I am going and what I want to accomplish.
I don't feel comfortable writing as expressly as I once did. My private yet public blog space here feels a little like it's been invaded, and I am reminded that this is not a diary. It is public domain, and although that helped me move through many of my issues... I don't need it anymore. I don't need to feel like people are listening when they aren't, and I don't want to focus on who's reading this and has no right to be. That being said, I'm considering ending blogging entirely. I can't bring myself to do it today, but if this is my last post, then it just is.
Truth is, I have several resolutions this year. My persistent resolution: embrace a healthier lifestyle with proper eating, exercise, and hopefully some weight loss. But more importantly, I want to work at things that have always been difficult for me. Forgiveness, acceptance, and moving on. I want to forgive myself and others, and genuinely succeed, not just pretend. I want to be able to accept the conditions of my life that have changed, most notably the epilepsy thing. It is a condition that I will probably have for the rest of my life, and it's not under control yet. I need to try to deal with that instead of vain hope or denial. And if I can succeed in forgiveness and acceptance, perhaps I can look at life the way I did a long time ago: like the world is a wide world of possibility, instead of feeling caged, trapped, and hopeless.
If anyone reads this, goodbye. If no one does, then I am once again talking to myself. It is 2010, a new year, a new decade, and time to keep myself to myself instead of writing every thought and feeling in public domain. I don't need this anymore.
