Memory Issues Revisited

I realize today that I have a lot of issues. I have anxiety issues, I have memory issues, I have anxiety issues because of memory issues. I have lots of stress. I'm not the most social person in the world. I have some issues I need to work on.

I've been having more lightheaded spells lately. I refuse to call them seizures, even though I'm fairly confident that's what they are. They're not just on the left side of my body anymore, they now alternate between right and left. I still have some measure of control over them, but stress definitely aggravates it. Shawn thinks I need to go to the doctor again, just to check on things. Personally, I'm sick of doctors.

Today in my Buddhism class we were meditating, and the prof asked us all what we were feeling. A lot of people replied with "calm" "clear" "focused" etc... but in almost 20 minutes of meditation, I spent at least the first half feeling scared or anxious. Why does being alone with my thoughts terrify me? Why am I so afraid of everything?

We got to talking, in class, about what a person is. Philosophically speaking, of course. Some people thought that the self was contained within a soul, others in personality, some in thoughts, some thought the self was represented through actions... I think the self is made of memory, but no one who hasn't been there could understand what it's like to lose that. It really got me thinking, who am I? Who was I? Am I different now than I was a year ago?

I've decided I want to write a book. I think I'll title it "Out of the Void" with some sort of catchy subtitle (maybe "a year gained after a year lost") about my experiences with amnesia, epilepsy, and a lot of the things I've put into this blog in the last year. My biggest hurdle will be not turning it into a diary, not exposing my entire life, because, as we can see here, I have issues with overexposure. I'm glad no one reads this, because I don't need the world knowing that in the last year I've lost my memory, had major relationship issues with my fiance, had a falling out with my best friend, lost my driver's licence, etc etc etc. I mean, some of those things are public knowledge, but if I decide to follow through with this book idea, a lot will have to be edited out.

Long story short, I thought I was getting over this whole memory thing. I thought I was getting better, but I still have a lot of stuff to work on, and I think it's going to take me a lot longer than I expected to fully accept things and move on.