Feeling a Little Grinchy

Happy Holidays, Season's Greetings, Merry Christmas... the point is the same; it's a season of merriment, happiness, and joy, or at least it's supposed to be. Normally, I am a very happy person this time of year, or as Shawn likes to say, I "have Christmas spirit coming out my ass". I love to decorate, shop, and wrap presents, and bake... oh I love to bake. Last year I made 7 kinds of cookies, over 200, and had to force myself to stop because I was afraid I wouldn't have enough. I watch the classic christmas movies like the Grinch and Rudolph. I play my Christmas playlist on iTunes constantly, and paint my fingernails to look like candycanes. Yes, I am usually full of Christmas cheer.

This year is similar- I have decorated the apartment in full glory, I have shopped, wrapped presents, painted my nails, and have a full baking extravaganza planned (although it hasn't taken place yet). But something is holding me back. Somehow, I don't feel as jubilant as I normally do. I blame Target. Everyday I go to work and I get bitched at by people who are consumed by the materialistic aspect of Christmas, and they are so focused on getting whatever it is that they need for their kids or grandkids or whatever that they don't seem to care how rude or crass they are to everyone else who happens to be in their way (like me, the lady answering the phone). The whole thing makes me question the whole purpose of christmas, what it has become, and why we even bother. If Christmas has become a retail nightmare, revolving around who can buy the most expensive gifts, then why bother? No one I talk to seems happy, and are they going to be happy on Christmas? Are they going to be happy after Christmas, when they have to pay their credit card bills? Because trust me, I'm going to be taking phone calls about those too.

Examples of how I'm losing faith in Christmas and humanity (in chronological order):

Wearing nothing but flip-flop girls: First snow of the year, we had about 6 or 8 inches of snow, and a cart of 3 girls comes rolling into the fitting room looking completely frozen. They are trying on some clothes, and the reason they are frozen? They're not wearing shoes. Just flip-flops. In 6 inches of snow. The excuse? "We didn't have any other shoes" They had tucked socks into the sandals, somehow, but no, just flipflops. So sure enough, they try on a bunch of sweatshirts and stuff, and decide that "nothing fits", but after they leave, I find wet socks stashed in the fitting room and tags for the ones they stole shoved into corners. If they're going to steal socks, maybe they should steal shoes too, at least then the socks wouldn't go to waste in the snow. Or better yet, if you're going to live in a state that gets snow every year, maybe you should be prepared and get some boots, even if they're cheap or used or hand-me-downs.

Falling on the Ice Guy: Three weeks ago we had an ice storm. Ice coated everything, made it so slippery that it was hazardous to go anywhere, there were car accidents everywhere, it was majorly dangerous. The store was super slow because no one would leave their houses to come shopping. We salted in front of the doors, the city salted the major roads, we did the best we could. Nonetheless, a guy fell out in the parking lot because there was a SOLID SHEET OF ICE COATING THE ENTIRE PARKING LOT. Management rushed out there, helped him, made sure he wasn't hurt, etc etc etc. Sure enough, 10 minutes later, he calls. "I just fell in your parking lot. It's really icy out here and I think you should do something about it. I hurt my knee, it's throbbbing and painful and you guys really need to salt the parking lot..." and he continues to yell at me about how it's necessary that we salt the entire parking lot for the safety of our customers. Buddy, we just had an ice storm. The entire city is covered in ice. We salted the side walks. If you didn't want to fall, maybe you shouldn't have left your house. Faith in humanity lost another point.

Snowbank lady: I took a phone call from a lady the other day, the saturday before christmas, when the parking lot was absolutely full to the brink with cars, and she was wondering if our snowbanks are permanent. "Well, the major snowbanks, the really tall ones, are not going anywhere until spring. Why do you ask?" I replied. "Well there's a small snowbank that is blocking one of the rear exits/driveways to the store, and if you were to clear this snowbank, I believe it would significantly clear up traffic congestion." she said, with a completely serious tone. She continued to emphasize the importance of clearing this one particular snowbank for a good 3 or 4 minutes, describing in seriousness the location of the snowbank, it's height, etc, and wanted to make sure that I would pass the message on to a manager, because "the traffic out here is just so busy and congested". Yah lady, the traffic is busy. It's the week before frickin' Christmas and you're at a Target store in one of the busiest suburbs in the metro area, and you think that clearing one minor snowbank is going to make all the traffic go away? Needless to say, that was not a message I passed on. Faith in humanity just lost a point.

The people who insist on telling me their whole life story before I can get a word in edgewise: Ok, these people annoy me all year round, but they are especially annoying this time of year because my phone is ringing constantly, and they just waste my time all the more. They insist on telling me everything they need, before letting me tell them that I'm just the operator and not the person they really need to talk to. Sorry, but let me transfer you to someone who cares.

People who must have a particularly hot item: It's december 20th. If you wanted a Play Station 3, you should have gotten it in october. We don't have any left. We don't have any tickle-me-elmos, Barbie's Dream Town House, Harry Potter Legos, Uno Attack, or whatever else is popular this year. Also, two weeks ago we had a blizzard that dumped two feet of snow on the ground, so we are sold out of shovels, ice melt, and ice scrapers. Target is not a magic supply of endless stuff, and we don't get in stuff constantly. WE ARE OUT. Also, if you call with the item numbers, I know you've called every other store in the area, plus the fact that you have that desperate tone in your voice gives you away. Even more so, if you call more than once and pretend that you didnt call before, gives it away because you've forgotten which stores you've already called. We don't have whatever it is you're looking for. Give it up. Your kid doesn't need it. Get them sleds and tell them to get off the couch and go outside. Seriously.

People who hang up after being on hold, call back, and bitch about being on hold for too long: It's december 20th. Chances are, you were holding for one of two areas, electronics or toys. See the above post. As for hanging up and calling back, that just means that other people have called in the meantime, and you've made your waiting time longer. Not my fault. We're busy, we're doing the best we can. Sorry. Suck it up. The world does not revolve around you and the fact that your kid must have the latest and greatest whatever, which we probably sold out of two weeks ago anyway.

My point in each of these stories is simple, people are so focused on themselves, on the material things about Christmas or winter or whatever it is that they are focused on that they fail to see the big picture. This is not what Christmas is about. Christmas is about being happy, celebrating with family, and doing whatever traditions you do (religious or whatnot). The holiday season is not about going to every Target in the metro area in search of Barbie's freakin townhouse. It is not about trooping through the blizzard or ice storm in inadequate clothing and falling on your ass, unless you can turn it into a fun story. Christmas is supposed to be happy. Instead of being a grinch, be a who. Otherwise you turn other people (like me) into Grinches. and I don't want to be grinchy, but the longer I spend answering phones and listening to other people bitch and moan, the less and less I'm liking Christmas, and that's just plain sad.

Taking Control

I got my license back today. I feel like it might be time to turn over a new leaf and take control of my life again, and quit letting outside influences control me. My meds and seizures are at the most stable that they have ever been, and I feel like I might be on the verge of... normal.

I had forgotten what normal feels like. It feels good. It feels great. It feels fantastic. I don't ever want to go back. I don't ever want to be in my bad place again.

But I don't want to forget what it's like to be in that place, because if I forget what it's like to feel like shit, then maybe I'll forget how wonderful today feels, and I'll start to take advantage of that feeling. I don't ever want to lose that wonder.

Today, I have the world at my fingertips again. Today, I feel like I can take control of my life again. Today, I have epilepsy, and epilepsy does not have me. I might just go for a drive to celebrate.

It's NeverEnding

So I know that a month ago when I posted, I was fairly confident it would be my last. I was wrong, because here I am again, back at it.

I once had a friend tell me that told me, convinced me, that my health problems would get better. Things would pass and I would be fine. That friend was wrong. I am not better. I am not getting better. If anything, I might be getting worse, and it is terrifying.

Last June, when I tried to come off one of my meds, the Dr. said that "if everything goes well, we won't see you until this time next year." Since that day, I have had 4 major tonic-clonic seizures, and so many simple-partials (or lightheaded spells, as I once referred to them) that I have lost count.

Yesterday I spent the afternoon in the ER. Usually hospitalization isn't necessary for a person with epilepsy. They have a seizure, and as long as they dont hit their head on anything, should be fine once they wake up. Shawn knows this, but he decided it would be good to call 911 yesterday because I wasn't breathing and had turned blue.

The scariest part is that this happened in the middle of the day. All my other large seizures have happened as I've been waking up in the morning. I have never had a simple little one generalize into a larger full-blown convulsion before. I am terrified. Before, I could rely on the fact that the chances of something happening to me are slim when I'm at work or school because all my major seizures have been as I'm waking up... but that's not the case anymore. What will happen next? Will they ever find meds that work for me?

I tried to go on another medicine about 3 weeks ago, and after 2 weeks of it, I broke out into a rash and fever for 3 days. I had to stop that medication, obviously. There are people who go their entire lives without finding a drug cocktail that works for them. What if that's me? What if I never get my license back? What if I have a seizure at work, or in the middle of class? I know that I'm probably stuck with this for the rest of my life, but what happens in 5 or 10 years when I want kids? Am I going to be able to stay home alone without fear of something happening to me?

In the course of one afternoon, so many things have changed, and my fear has exponentially spiked. What happens next? My health problems are not getting better. They are getting worse. I don't know if we can fix it. I am broken.

New Year

Happy New Year!

Part of me wants to start fresh, with an optimistic perspective, and write about the possibilities and opportunities to come. Luckily, my gag reflex overrules that, and I am much more willing to approach the new year with a cautious skepticism, realism rather than optimism, and continual thought as to where I am going and what I want to accomplish.

I don't feel comfortable writing as expressly as I once did. My private yet public blog space here feels a little like it's been invaded, and I am reminded that this is not a diary. It is public domain, and although that helped me move through many of my issues... I don't need it anymore. I don't need to feel like people are listening when they aren't, and I don't want to focus on who's reading this and has no right to be. That being said, I'm considering ending blogging entirely. I can't bring myself to do it today, but if this is my last post, then it just is.

Truth is, I have several resolutions this year. My persistent resolution: embrace a healthier lifestyle with proper eating, exercise, and hopefully some weight loss. But more importantly, I want to work at things that have always been difficult for me. Forgiveness, acceptance, and moving on. I want to forgive myself and others, and genuinely succeed, not just pretend. I want to be able to accept the conditions of my life that have changed, most notably the epilepsy thing. It is a condition that I will probably have for the rest of my life, and it's not under control yet. I need to try to deal with that instead of vain hope or denial. And if I can succeed in forgiveness and acceptance, perhaps I can look at life the way I did a long time ago: like the world is a wide world of possibility, instead of feeling caged, trapped, and hopeless.

If anyone reads this, goodbye. If no one does, then I am once again talking to myself. It is 2010, a new year, a new decade, and time to keep myself to myself instead of writing every thought and feeling in public domain. I don't need this anymore.