Karate Camp!

Hello all!
As I write this, I am sitting in my hotel room in Texas after 2 days of karate camp. My feet are killing me, I have bruises all over, I haven't slept well, and tomorrow I will be testing for Sandan in front of at least 100 people [most notably, of course, Master Kise and Kaicho]. But I love every minute of it!

I love the feel of blood pounding in my veins. I hate sweat, but I love the fact that I am working to my full potential. I know exercise releases endorphins, which is why I love these things, but that doesn't change the fact that I love them. I love doing a kata on autopilot, and knowing I do it well. I love watching the people around me. I love asking and answering questions, and learning new and better things from people I haven't seen often. And most importantly, I love those people. I love how everyone understands our system, and the things we stand for. I love how I don't have to explain myself or what I do to people who think that ours is not a "true" martial art. No, I don't break boards. I've never been attacked by a board. I love the instructors, because they are there to help, and even the strict and highly disciplined instructors are willing to listen to and answer questions that arrive. I love meeting new people at every camp, and making new friendships, and I love reconnecting and continuing friendships I have formed in prior years. I love it all.

Tomorrow I will be testing for my Sandan. This will be the greatest achievement of my life (assuming I don't screw it up). As I said 3 years ago when I got my Nidan- I found karate, I love karate, and I'm going to do karate. Karate has shaped me as a person, and I feel incredible when I do it. I have truly found my life's passion, and I will never give that up. Thank you to everyone who has helped me get to where I am today.

Dear God

Dear God,

I don't believe in your existence, BUT I believe in the beauty of the world around me.

I don't believe that you perform miracles, BUT I believe in the good works that humanity is capable of.

I don't believe that you sent Jesus to atone for the sins of mankind, BUT I believe that he was and is an inspiration to his followers.

I don't believe that you answer prayers or help people, BUT I believe that having faith is help enough.

I don't believe that only religious people are rewarded after life. In fact, I don't think there is an afterlife. I think the best reward is being a good person in this life, and that's reward enough for me.

In short... I don't believe that belief is necessary to live a good life. I think that doing good works and trying to help others, being kind and compassionate, and pursuing happiness should be good enough for you. If people happen to have faith and religion helps them, that's good for them, but it doesn't work that way for me.

Thanks for listening,

-Charlotte

My Not-So-F*ed-Up Brain

So I just got back from spending two more days at the Mayo. As I said in previous posts, I've been having lightheaded spells that were a little concerning, so I spent Wednesday afternoon and Thursday at the Mayo Clinic to get things checked out and make sure that none of this is a sign of further seizure activity or complications from my encephalitis from December.

I had an MRI Wednesday afternoon, which came back the same as it did in February... NORMAL!!!

I had blood drawn Thursday morning. The waiting room was packed full, and of course, the median age was probably somewhere around 6o. I sat next to a really nice lady named Barbara who was doing word-search puzzles. She asked if I wanted to help her, but I declined, knowing full well that I would dominate and take over her word-search book if I agreed to 'help'. Anyway, results of the blood tests were normal too, although for some reason the amount of one of my meds was pretty low. The doc said not to worry though.

I had an EEG done later Thursday morning. Apparently the guy doing my EEG did one of my earlier ones when I was in the hospital in December. Obviously, I don't remember him, but it was nice to be able to have something to talk about. Despite only getting 6 hours of sleep, I had difficulty falling asleep during the test. I think it's just because it's notoriously difficult to fall asleep in a situation where you know you are being watched. Seriously weird. Anyway, even without sleep, the EEG went well. Everything came back as normal!!!
--- On a side note, the EEG is just a bizarre test. I mean really, they stick electrodes all over you, make you wear a stupid hat, squeeze gel into the hat and poke you with a little stick, then ask you a bunch of questions, expect you to go to sleep while you're being watched, then wake you up and flash a strobe light in your face for 5 minutes. Seriously, WTF?

Anyway, we met with Dr. Schmalsteig (forgive the spelling) on Thursday afternoon; he's such a nice guy. After describing the episodes I've been having and discussing the test results (again, all came back normal!) his opinion was that it is NOT related to seizure activity or any sort of brain abnormality. He said that the lightheadedness is simply an instance of not getting enough blood to my brain. When my body tries to compensate and tells my heart to beat harder, I begin to feel the blood in my hands and feet as well, thus the throbbing sensations. He said that it will probably resolve itself in time, but that I should make a note of when it happens and see if there are any consistent circumstances that trigger these episodes. He said the best thing I can do is just drink lots of water, and sit down or put my head down when this happens to get the blood flowing again.
--- Funny side note: Dr. Schmalsteig is a nice guy, and apparently pretty smart. About half an hour after we left the clinic and were on our way home, he called my cell phone. Apparently he "forgot" to remind me (again) that my meds may interfere with the effectiveness of the birth control pill that I'm on, and to encourage me to use a backup method of contraception to avoid pregnancy. LOL. Forgot? I Don't think so. I think he's a smart guy who decided it would probably not be a good idea to give me a sex talk in front of my parents. I mean, it doesn't matter, they know anyway, but nonetheless- it's funny. LOL... I mean really, I'm still giggling about it. 'forgot'..... lol....

In Short:
On the one hand, it's a little annoying to have driven 4 hours and spent 2 days doing tests only to be told that nothing is wrong and that I need to drink more water. On the other hand, NOTHING IS WRONG!!!! So I'm happy, and my family is super-relieved too. Yay for being not-so-screwed-up anymore!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally, a post NOT related to my brain...

Ok, so I figured I've babbled on and on and on about my health issues until anyone who reads this (who is actually no one) would be totally bored. Instead, today I'm going to talk about something much more fun and lighthearted...

I got into 3 of the 4 classes I wanted for fall semester!!! Yay!!! I'm taking Theory and Method in the study of religion, Martyrdom Then and Now, Buddhism and the Supernatural (YAY!!!), and the Andes. The Andes wasn't my first choice, it was a backup, but whatever, I can deal with it. I like the Andes, I mean really, I went to Peru, I've been to Macchu Picchu. It's fuckin awesome. I think I can deal with it. But yah, I'm super stoked for my schedule, and the most awesome part is that it's a 3 day a week schedule. I have class all day Tuesday, a wednesday night class, and all day Thursday. That gives me 4 consecutive days with which to work and get shit done. Who knows, maybe I can even get a job. How awesome would that be?! I'm sooooo excited!!!!

My only concern is that the lady who registered for me didn't specify which professor I have for my Martyrdom class. I like both profs who are teaching it, but I already have Cooey for Theory and Method, so I'm hoping that I'm registered for Martyrdom with Drake, because having two classes with Cooey would be killer; advisor or not, she's a tough prof, especially with the amount of writing she assigned for Love and Death last semester. Anyway, regardless, I'm excited. Especially since I got into the Buddhism class... *sigh* yay.... Ok, tell me to snap out of it, seriously.

So that's the update on my class schedule for next year! Yay! Now Shawn and I just need to get a house. Shawn says he called the realtor and told her to put it on "the back burner" because my "health concerns are more important than a house right now". Well, be that as it may, I'm sick of living in my parent's basement, and now that I am registered for classes in the fall, I want a place to live, damnit! Oh well, I guess we need to slow down and take it one step at a time.

Anyway, if anyone reads this, thanks for reading, and putting up with my rollercoaster personality. One minute I'll be bitching and moaning about my brain, relationship, and friendship issues, and the next I'll be screaming and jumping up and down over a couple classes. Thanks for listening, and I'm sure I'll post again later today, I have a few more things I want to talk about, I just need to find the words.

My F*ed Up Brain: Part 5

Part 5 of the Saga: Last Night's Incident.

So yesterday, I had a few minor episodes of lightheadedness, the mild headache, but nothing to be worried about. Then yesterday evening, Shawn and I were headed home from the grocery store and the more severe kind occurred, with the need to stabilize myself and I could feel my pulse in my fingertips. I started to cry, because I cry a lot, especially when this sort of thing happens because I still haven't figured out why or what's causing it. It's freaking me out. But, we get home, and I'm fine. We have dinner and continue on our merry way.

Later, at about 8:30, I'm in my room, and it happens again. I'm really freaked out, so I go upstairs where Shawn and my Mom are in the living room. I sit with them and cry a little, wait for it to go away, and return to my room. It's odd that it happened more than once in a day, especially after it had been so good for a few weeks.

Finally, about 9:30 or 10, I'm watching a movie (the Italian Job, I highly recommend it), and I feel lightheaded again, but this was the worst it had been in a long time. I was just about to go find Shawn when he came downstairs. I told him about it, and I'm crying by now of course, because I'm scared and freaked out and I don't know why this keeps happening. 3 times in one day is not normal, even for me. This episode was the worst of them all- it was more severe, I felt like I was going to be sick to my stomach (although that may have been from the crying), and I felt throbby and lightheaded for several minutes. Shawn ran upstairs and woke up my parents, who came down to see what was wrong. From what they tell me, everything that happened last night was the same as when I was having seizures in the hospital, except that I remember it clearly, and there was no obvious twitching involved. My eyes were wide open, pupils dilated, I was scared and confused, crying, "I don't feel good" "my head feels funny" "I can't explain it" and so on and so forth. After half an hour of discussion, we determined it was not necessary to rush me to the nearest ER, (thank God, I'm sick of doctors), but instead wait until morning and then call the Mayo.

Shawn and my Dad got up early and called, but my main doctor is out all week, so we left several messages and have been waiting for someone to return our calls. My dad is hoping to get me an appointment in the next few days, if at all possible. Hopefully, we'll be able to get this all figured out, and I will be well and healthy again.

- Update- I have several appointments at the Mayo later this week. I have an MRI scheduled for Wednesday afternoon, an EEG Thursday morning, and a check up and follow up with a doctor Thursday afternoon. Turns out the one week that I have issues is the week that almost the whole neurology department is gone at some conference, just my luck eh? Anyway, it should be an interesting experience. Wish me luck!

My F*ed Up Brain: Part 4

Ugh. I hate this. It's never ending. Let me do my best to keep you informed.

Part 4 of the Saga: St. Cloud Doctor Visit.

Ok, so for a couple months, I've been feeling much much better, but at the same time, I've been getting really lightheaded. I feel lightheaded and feel like I need to sit down or stabilize myself. Sometimes I feel throbbing sensations in my hands and legs, as though I can feel my pulse through my fingers. This situation usually passes within a few minutes, and I have noticed a correlation between external stimuli and this reaction. For example, if I am in a place with a lot of conflicting noises, lots of visual stimuli such as lights or shiny things, or if I'm highly emotional or stressed, this is more likely to happen to me. So, after dealing with this for quite awhile, Shawn and I made a doctor's appointment with my family doctor in St. Cloud.

Of course, as soon as we make the appointment, my symptoms lessen, and the throbbing lightheadedness happens much less frequently. Most of the time it is reduced to nothing more than a mild headache and bit of lightheadedness that passes within a minute. So anyway, I go to the doctor and explain everything, pretty much exactly as I have explained it here. Shawn and I thought that maybe it was a side effect of my meds, but the doctor didn't think that was likely, considering I had already been on my meds for at least a month or two before any of this started happening. His theory was that it was simply a psychological reaction to stress. He said there was a tiny possibility of my electrolyte levels being screwed up, because that happens occasionally to people with severe head trauma or people who have been in comas, but that was highly unlikely. Nonetheless, he ran a blood test just in case. Well, it turns out my electrolyte levels were normal, except that my blood sugar was low. Normally, this would not be a problem, but considering I had eaten a good breakfast (eggs, toast, and juice) 2 hours prior to my appointment, it was a little confusing. The doctor told me to eat more frequently and make sure I'm getting enough complex carbohydrates in my system.

Now, my assumption is that the doctor assumes that the lightheadedness is caused by the low blood sugar, which I deem highly unlikely. I have had blood sugar issues my whole life. I know what it feels like when I have low blood sugar, my brain automatically kicks in and says "you need to eat, now" and I do. And I can tell you, the lightheadedness associated with low blood sugar is a very different kind of lightheadedness than I have been experiencing lately. So, that in mind, the visit to St. Cloud did little or nothing to help.

Torn

The loneliness,
The desperation,
is overwhelming.
I can't do it anymore.
I can't take it.
I can't suppress the tears.

I am alone.
It's tearing me apart.
I know not who I am,
at least not all of me.

There are moments
throughout every day
when I see that other person
and I feel torn in two,
and I don't know or understand
what's happening to me.

What is happening to me?
Why does my head feel so strange?
Why do I feel so emotional?
Who is this other person,
this other part of myself
that I know
and understand
but cannot grasp
and cannot recognize?

She is there
barely beyond my reach.
I am scared
because I do not know her,
and I do not trust her,
but I know that I must
discover her
in order to feel complete,
in order to feel whole again.

I am scared,
but I cannot change my course
I must know what this is.
And every time it happens
I try and discover the truth
but it always slips away,
and I am left with only myself,
frustrated and confused,
and lonely again.