All right everyone, here's the latest update. As pretty much everyone knows, I was hospitalized in December for seizures caused by my brain swelling. I was put on meds and the problem resolved, with the worst aspect being about a year's worth of memory loss and restrictions on driving.
Well, I was on 2 different anti-seizure meds, and in June the docs decided to taper me off one of them. I took the last one on July 4th. 2 days ago, I woke Shawn up by having a seizure (12 days after coming off my medicine). He called 911 and I went in to the Paynesville hospital where our friendly neighbor and doctor Larry called the Mayo and talked to my doc there. They upped my dose of the medicine I'm still on, but are NOT putting me back on the other medicine.
Yesterday my family and I drove to Rochester and met with my doctor there, and there are a few things that he said:
- He is not surprised that this happened, and that considering I had recently come off meds, it was almost to be expected.
- He said that a regular sleep schedule and predictable lifestyle will help prevent future flare-ups.
- Also, the light-headed spells I've been having recently are actually minor panic-attacks and are basically psychological. His advice- breathe into a paper bag.
- He also said that it is again mandatory that I stop driving, but I take this with a grain of salt. He said that last time, and everyone I talked to at the DMV had differing opinions. We'll see how that goes. I am reluctant, to say the least, to give up my license again after only a month of having it back.
- Lastly, as every doctor is likely to say, he mentioned that "a healthy lifestyle will help improve overall wellness" and suggested dieting and getting lots of fruits and veggies.
So anyway, that was that. Basically, there's nothing we can do about it except increase my meds a little and call if it happens again. I bit my tongue while seizing and it is still bruised and hurts like hell. Luckily, I didn't lose any more long-term memory, the only missing memory this time is for the duration of the seizure. Overall, medically, I'm fine. I'm on the lookout in case it happens again, but generally fine. Emotionally, I'm ok. I'm sick of dealing with this over and over again, and having the doctor tell me I need to have a bedtime, go on a diet, and stop driving again does nothing to calm me down, in fact, it's extraordinarily irritating. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
What a Way to Start My Day...
I woke up this morning to my mom peering over me, "Erica, can you hear me? Honey, you had a seizure." Again. The ambulance guys came to get me and brought me in to Paynesville. Larry was the doctor, which was fun, because since he's my neighbor, he's easy to talk to. We called down to the Mayo, and they are increasing my dosage of Keppra but continuing to keep me off Dilantin. Nothing more to do today, but I'm headed to Rochester tomorrow.
According to Shawn, I woke him up this morning with my seizing, including the stiff-limbed, jaw clenched, and funny screaming like I did with my very first seizure last December. Not a good sign. I bit my tongue and now it hurts. Ugh. Oh well, not a lot I can do about it right now.
However, this does squash the possibility of me driving around for awhile, and Mom's also not sure if she wants to go to Canada next week. The last thing we'd want is to be hours away from a hospital in the middle of Canada and for me to be having a Grand Mal seizure. So... that sucks. I'm hopeful that Mom can take me to karate tonight though- it would be nice to be able to keep working on my new kata.
According to Shawn, I woke him up this morning with my seizing, including the stiff-limbed, jaw clenched, and funny screaming like I did with my very first seizure last December. Not a good sign. I bit my tongue and now it hurts. Ugh. Oh well, not a lot I can do about it right now.
However, this does squash the possibility of me driving around for awhile, and Mom's also not sure if she wants to go to Canada next week. The last thing we'd want is to be hours away from a hospital in the middle of Canada and for me to be having a Grand Mal seizure. So... that sucks. I'm hopeful that Mom can take me to karate tonight though- it would be nice to be able to keep working on my new kata.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
A Smattering of Thoughts
A few unrelated things have been cluttering my mind recently, and rather than try and post them separately, I'll just put them here:
First of all, I saw the Harry Potter movie last night (#6, Half Blood Prince). It was amazing, as all HP movies are. I really felt like the characters have grown into their roles, and I've grown especially fond of Dumbledore (of course, just in time for his death). As with all HP movies, there were parts of the book that were left out or rearranged, and there was one scene in the movie that wasn't in the book at all. That part kinda confused me, but for the most part, it was spectacular, and I can't wait to see it again. We sat in the front row, so it was difficult being that close to the screen, and I look forward to sitting further back and appreciating more of the film next time. Overall, I was very pleased.
My second, and entirely unrelated, note is that next week I will be going to Canada with Mom and Knoll. I didn't go last summer, and even if I did, I wouldn't remember it. It should be interesting, both because I've never gone with Knoll before and also because this will be the first time in years that I am not bringing Krista with me. Mom asked me if I wanted to, and I said no, of course, but Mom doesn't know that whole story, and doesn't know that we're no longer friends, and I'm not sure I really feel like disclosing the details, so we're just going to leave it at "no, I dont want to bring a friend." This change will be significant though, and I can't help but wonder what sort of emotions I will face once I get there. I love Canada, and I love staying at our cabin, but part of the thing I have always loved was the silence and the capacity to spend long periods of time alone with my thoughts. In the last several months, I'm not sure I want to be alone with my thoughts. I'm not sure I want to dwell on the things I have said and done recently. I'm not sure I want to dwell on the things I do and do not remember from last year. I'm not sure I want to wonder about the future. Those things being said, how am I going to cope with the silence that used to be so soothing but that now has become frightening?
Lastly, and on a third completely unrelated note, I miss being social and getting out and about. I really would like to have more fun in my life and stop feeling like an old person. Ugh. Is it too much to ask to want to feel like a normal college student?
First of all, I saw the Harry Potter movie last night (#6, Half Blood Prince). It was amazing, as all HP movies are. I really felt like the characters have grown into their roles, and I've grown especially fond of Dumbledore (of course, just in time for his death). As with all HP movies, there were parts of the book that were left out or rearranged, and there was one scene in the movie that wasn't in the book at all. That part kinda confused me, but for the most part, it was spectacular, and I can't wait to see it again. We sat in the front row, so it was difficult being that close to the screen, and I look forward to sitting further back and appreciating more of the film next time. Overall, I was very pleased.
My second, and entirely unrelated, note is that next week I will be going to Canada with Mom and Knoll. I didn't go last summer, and even if I did, I wouldn't remember it. It should be interesting, both because I've never gone with Knoll before and also because this will be the first time in years that I am not bringing Krista with me. Mom asked me if I wanted to, and I said no, of course, but Mom doesn't know that whole story, and doesn't know that we're no longer friends, and I'm not sure I really feel like disclosing the details, so we're just going to leave it at "no, I dont want to bring a friend." This change will be significant though, and I can't help but wonder what sort of emotions I will face once I get there. I love Canada, and I love staying at our cabin, but part of the thing I have always loved was the silence and the capacity to spend long periods of time alone with my thoughts. In the last several months, I'm not sure I want to be alone with my thoughts. I'm not sure I want to dwell on the things I have said and done recently. I'm not sure I want to dwell on the things I do and do not remember from last year. I'm not sure I want to wonder about the future. Those things being said, how am I going to cope with the silence that used to be so soothing but that now has become frightening?
Lastly, and on a third completely unrelated note, I miss being social and getting out and about. I really would like to have more fun in my life and stop feeling like an old person. Ugh. Is it too much to ask to want to feel like a normal college student?
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Womanhood
Some days, I hate being female.
Seriously. I spend approximately one week out of every four being totally bitchy, emotional, and eating all the junk food in sight. I then spend the following week with the feeling of nausea, cramps, and misery that accompanies the feeling of my uterus falling out and rotting. Seriously? It's miserable, and I hate it.
Is this some sort of Darwinian punishment for not using my reproductive organs for reproduction? "here, instead of being pregnant, let's just give you monthly misery until you beg for mercy" NOT FUNNY! And I mean really, I'm sure it could be worse. The baby scene, the menopause scene, etc etc etc are all much worse than a little PMS and blood, but, those things in mind, if that's what I have to look forward to, I'm really starting to wish I had been born a boy.
Grrrrrrr.
Seriously. I spend approximately one week out of every four being totally bitchy, emotional, and eating all the junk food in sight. I then spend the following week with the feeling of nausea, cramps, and misery that accompanies the feeling of my uterus falling out and rotting. Seriously? It's miserable, and I hate it.
Is this some sort of Darwinian punishment for not using my reproductive organs for reproduction? "here, instead of being pregnant, let's just give you monthly misery until you beg for mercy" NOT FUNNY! And I mean really, I'm sure it could be worse. The baby scene, the menopause scene, etc etc etc are all much worse than a little PMS and blood, but, those things in mind, if that's what I have to look forward to, I'm really starting to wish I had been born a boy.
Grrrrrrr.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
A Word of Thanks
On this date, July 4th, 233 years ago, the United States Declaration of Independence was signed by the founding fathers of this country. Now, that being as it is, I would like to express my gratitude to the memory of those men, and the ways in which they helped form the country I live in today.
Many people would not classify me as the 'patriotic' type. Personally, I think a lot of people have a skewed idea of patriotism. A lot of right-wing conservative republicans would consider a lot of my beliefs unpatriotic. For example, I am against our military action in the Middle East, especially in Iraq. I am in favor of gay marriage and abortion rights. I am a pretty liberal person, and to top it all off, I'm pretty much an atheist. As I've said, to many people, this is very un-american of me. And again I say, if those are the factors that are used in defining patriotism, I think that's a pretty skewed definition of the word.
Be that as it may, I consider myself a pretty patriotic person. I don't always agree with the things our government does, but there are a great many things that I am grateful for, and those things are unique to the Western World ideology, if not exclusively unique to the US itself.
The most important thing I can think of that the US has over many other countries in the world is the right to choose. Our Bill of Rights, established over 200 years ago, gives us choices. With some limitations, we have been enabled to speak freely, defend ourselves, choose a manner of worship (or lack thereof), choose some of our legal rights (such as not incriminating oneself in court, and the right to choose one's own laywer). These articles also protect us from injustice, such as cruel and unusual punishment, and the abolition of human slavery.
All in all, I am incredibly thankful for those people in United States' History who have helped form the country as it is today, and I am thankful to those people are are attempting to reform aspects of it today. One of the greatest things about America is it's ability to grow and change, and I will be forever grateful that I live in a country where the freedoms I take for granted are truly free.
Many people would not classify me as the 'patriotic' type. Personally, I think a lot of people have a skewed idea of patriotism. A lot of right-wing conservative republicans would consider a lot of my beliefs unpatriotic. For example, I am against our military action in the Middle East, especially in Iraq. I am in favor of gay marriage and abortion rights. I am a pretty liberal person, and to top it all off, I'm pretty much an atheist. As I've said, to many people, this is very un-american of me. And again I say, if those are the factors that are used in defining patriotism, I think that's a pretty skewed definition of the word.
Be that as it may, I consider myself a pretty patriotic person. I don't always agree with the things our government does, but there are a great many things that I am grateful for, and those things are unique to the Western World ideology, if not exclusively unique to the US itself.
The most important thing I can think of that the US has over many other countries in the world is the right to choose. Our Bill of Rights, established over 200 years ago, gives us choices. With some limitations, we have been enabled to speak freely, defend ourselves, choose a manner of worship (or lack thereof), choose some of our legal rights (such as not incriminating oneself in court, and the right to choose one's own laywer). These articles also protect us from injustice, such as cruel and unusual punishment, and the abolition of human slavery.
All in all, I am incredibly thankful for those people in United States' History who have helped form the country as it is today, and I am thankful to those people are are attempting to reform aspects of it today. One of the greatest things about America is it's ability to grow and change, and I will be forever grateful that I live in a country where the freedoms I take for granted are truly free.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
The Last 4 Years...
4 1/2 Years ago, he was obnoxious.
4 1/2 years ago, I couldn't decide whether I liked him or hated him.
4 years ago, I was inexplicably drawn in by something about him.
4 years ago, I decided that even though he was obnoxious, I liked him.
4 years ago, he decided to randomly call me one night, and the night after.
4 years ago, we officially became a couple.
3 3/4 years ago, I fell in love.
3 1/2 years ago, pretty much everyone thought we were glued together- some thought it was cute, others, juvenile.
3 years ago, he graduated from high school and started college.
2 years ago, I graduated from high school and started college.
22 months ago, he asked me to marry him. I happily accepted.
13 months ago, we got our first apartment and started living together.
7 months ago, I got really sick. I got so sick I lost a big part of my memory, I was scared all the time, and I felt like I was going crazy. He was still there.
6 months ago, I started to feel better, but we had to move in with my parents. He was still there.
3 months ago, I screwed up majorly and significantly hurt our relationship. He stayed anyway.
3 days ago, we celebrated our 4 year anniversary. We're happy, honestly and truly happy. No lies, no deception, no false pretenses, no fine print. We're a happy couple. We have friends, we have family, we have each other. We're getting back on track to having a life again.
3 days ago, I realized, for the millionth time, just how amazingly lucky I am to have this man in my life.
3 days ago, I tried on a wedding dress for the very first time, with my best friend standing by my side, and I felt every bit as beautiful as he tells me I am.
3 days ago, I realized that nothing can ever measure up to love. Of all the possible emotions, nothing can ever envelop a person like love. Anger and hate burn and consume, sadness overwhelms, happiness explodes, but love... love pervades everything. Love manages to fill every crack and crevice. Love can replace other emotions, but nothing can ever replace love.
Tonight, I lay in bed, unable to sleep. I lay next to this wonderful man, snoring lightly beside me, too exhausted from a day's worth of work to care that I'm typing 2 feet from his face, and I write these things, to try, even for an instant, to capture the essence of what I feel in this moment.
Tonight, I look at the man I love, and I do not care whether I wear the dress I tried on 3 days ago. I do not care that we have had our trials and rough spots to work through. I do not care that I lost a part of my life. I do not care that we live with my parents. I do not care that some of my friends don't understand. I do not care about what people said about us in high school. I do not care that I once thought he was obnoxious. I do not care about anything other than this moment, and in this moment, I love the man lying next to me. I love him with every part of me, and there is nothing that can take away from that feeling.
4 years ago, I never thought I would find the right guy. 4 years ago, I thought high-school romances were doomed for failure. 4 years ago, I never would have thought that I'd be one of those people to settle down and get married before turning 25. 4 years ago, I didn't believe in true love.
4 years ago, I never thought that things would turn out the way they have.
But Tonight, I am completely happy to be here, in this moment, with my life as-is... so long as he is beside me, and I know now that he always will be.
4 1/2 years ago, I couldn't decide whether I liked him or hated him.
4 years ago, I was inexplicably drawn in by something about him.
4 years ago, I decided that even though he was obnoxious, I liked him.
4 years ago, he decided to randomly call me one night, and the night after.
4 years ago, we officially became a couple.
3 3/4 years ago, I fell in love.
3 1/2 years ago, pretty much everyone thought we were glued together- some thought it was cute, others, juvenile.
3 years ago, he graduated from high school and started college.
2 years ago, I graduated from high school and started college.
22 months ago, he asked me to marry him. I happily accepted.
13 months ago, we got our first apartment and started living together.
7 months ago, I got really sick. I got so sick I lost a big part of my memory, I was scared all the time, and I felt like I was going crazy. He was still there.
6 months ago, I started to feel better, but we had to move in with my parents. He was still there.
3 months ago, I screwed up majorly and significantly hurt our relationship. He stayed anyway.
3 days ago, we celebrated our 4 year anniversary. We're happy, honestly and truly happy. No lies, no deception, no false pretenses, no fine print. We're a happy couple. We have friends, we have family, we have each other. We're getting back on track to having a life again.
3 days ago, I realized, for the millionth time, just how amazingly lucky I am to have this man in my life.
3 days ago, I tried on a wedding dress for the very first time, with my best friend standing by my side, and I felt every bit as beautiful as he tells me I am.
3 days ago, I realized that nothing can ever measure up to love. Of all the possible emotions, nothing can ever envelop a person like love. Anger and hate burn and consume, sadness overwhelms, happiness explodes, but love... love pervades everything. Love manages to fill every crack and crevice. Love can replace other emotions, but nothing can ever replace love.
Tonight, I lay in bed, unable to sleep. I lay next to this wonderful man, snoring lightly beside me, too exhausted from a day's worth of work to care that I'm typing 2 feet from his face, and I write these things, to try, even for an instant, to capture the essence of what I feel in this moment.
Tonight, I look at the man I love, and I do not care whether I wear the dress I tried on 3 days ago. I do not care that we have had our trials and rough spots to work through. I do not care that I lost a part of my life. I do not care that we live with my parents. I do not care that some of my friends don't understand. I do not care about what people said about us in high school. I do not care that I once thought he was obnoxious. I do not care about anything other than this moment, and in this moment, I love the man lying next to me. I love him with every part of me, and there is nothing that can take away from that feeling.
4 years ago, I never thought I would find the right guy. 4 years ago, I thought high-school romances were doomed for failure. 4 years ago, I never would have thought that I'd be one of those people to settle down and get married before turning 25. 4 years ago, I didn't believe in true love.
4 years ago, I never thought that things would turn out the way they have.
But Tonight, I am completely happy to be here, in this moment, with my life as-is... so long as he is beside me, and I know now that he always will be.
Friday, June 19, 2009
What is it about anger?
What is it about anger that feels so good? What is it that provides anger with than inherent quality to grow and feed upon itself? To harbor negativity and somehow enjoy being consumed by it? Anger is one of the strongest emotions, and so hard to control, and yet being angry feels so good!
Why is it that I just ended one of the strongest friendships of my life, and yet I feel no remorse? I am a happy person. I never yell at people. I may complain behind their backs, but I am never bitchy to someone's face. Never. Yet here I am, having royally and sarcastically bitched out my best friend, wait, former best friend, and damn, I feel amazing. How is that possible? How can it feel good for me, a genuinely nice person, to be so mean?
I used to think that anger comes first and sadness follows. I've spent the last 2 or 3 days waiting for the sadness to catch up with me. Waiting for the realization that I ended my closest friendship to hit me, and for regret or remorse or guilt... but none of that came. Last night it occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, I'm wrong. Maybe instead of anger and then sadness, maybe it's the opposite. I have spent the last several months being sad. I have spent a significant amount of time mourning the slow decline of a friendship I valued greatly. I have convinced myself that by continuing to try, that I was doing the right thing, and that I didn't really want to lose that relationship. I finally gave up hope of salvaging that relationship, and I let the anger get to me. I let the irritation and resentment catch up, and I spent some time trying to talk myself out of it. I tried to tell myself that anger wasn't real, and that I had nothing to be angry about. It didn't work. It finally got to the point where I didn't care about what I might be losing, because by letting out my anger, I was freeing myself, and that's exactly what I did. I did what I've always secretly wanted to, but never had the courage to do. I let out exactly what I was thinking, in the smart-ass, bitchy, sarcastic manner that I had in my head. I let go of the resentment, and the anger, and I would have kept going had I had the chance. As it is, a part of me still harbors more resentment that I couldn't get out of my system, but the majority of me feels freer and happier than I have been in months. So yes, the sadness of my loss might catch up to me eventually, but I don't think so. I think the time for grief has passed, and now that the anger has passed as well, I think I can finally let go and move on.
Anger is a curious thing. It grows and consumes a part of the soul, and left to its own devices, it can take over. Taming anger is an honorable goal, and should be practiced by all. However, I strongly believe that at some point, anger will express itself, with little regard for consequences. At some point, it takes over the mind and the intellect, and brings apathy instead of worry. It calms inhibitions, and unleashes itself. It can be controlled, but at what cost? Isn't it sometimes better to free oneself of its hold?
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