The Last 4 Years...

4 1/2 Years ago, he was obnoxious.
4 1/2 years ago, I couldn't decide whether I liked him or hated him.
4 years ago, I was inexplicably drawn in by something about him.
4 years ago, I decided that even though he was obnoxious, I liked him.
4 years ago, he decided to randomly call me one night, and the night after.
4 years ago, we officially became a couple.
3 3/4 years ago, I fell in love.
3 1/2 years ago, pretty much everyone thought we were glued together- some thought it was cute, others, juvenile.
3 years ago, he graduated from high school and started college.
2 years ago, I graduated from high school and started college.
22 months ago, he asked me to marry him. I happily accepted.
13 months ago, we got our first apartment and started living together.
7 months ago, I got really sick. I got so sick I lost a big part of my memory, I was scared all the time, and I felt like I was going crazy. He was still there.
6 months ago, I started to feel better, but we had to move in with my parents. He was still there.
3 months ago, I screwed up majorly and significantly hurt our relationship. He stayed anyway.

3 days ago, we celebrated our 4 year anniversary. We're happy, honestly and truly happy. No lies, no deception, no false pretenses, no fine print. We're a happy couple. We have friends, we have family, we have each other. We're getting back on track to having a life again.
3 days ago, I realized, for the millionth time, just how amazingly lucky I am to have this man in my life.
3 days ago, I tried on a wedding dress for the very first time, with my best friend standing by my side, and I felt every bit as beautiful as he tells me I am.
3 days ago, I realized that nothing can ever measure up to love. Of all the possible emotions, nothing can ever envelop a person like love. Anger and hate burn and consume, sadness overwhelms, happiness explodes, but love... love pervades everything. Love manages to fill every crack and crevice. Love can replace other emotions, but nothing can ever replace love.

Tonight, I lay in bed, unable to sleep. I lay next to this wonderful man, snoring lightly beside me, too exhausted from a day's worth of work to care that I'm typing 2 feet from his face, and I write these things, to try, even for an instant, to capture the essence of what I feel in this moment.
Tonight, I look at the man I love, and I do not care whether I wear the dress I tried on 3 days ago. I do not care that we have had our trials and rough spots to work through. I do not care that I lost a part of my life. I do not care that we live with my parents. I do not care that some of my friends don't understand. I do not care about what people said about us in high school. I do not care that I once thought he was obnoxious. I do not care about anything other than this moment, and in this moment, I love the man lying next to me. I love him with every part of me, and there is nothing that can take away from that feeling.

4 years ago, I never thought I would find the right guy. 4 years ago, I thought high-school romances were doomed for failure. 4 years ago, I never would have thought that I'd be one of those people to settle down and get married before turning 25. 4 years ago, I didn't believe in true love.
4 years ago, I never thought that things would turn out the way they have.

But Tonight, I am completely happy to be here, in this moment, with my life as-is... so long as he is beside me, and I know now that he always will be.

What is it about anger?

What is it about anger that feels so good? What is it that provides anger with than inherent quality to grow and feed upon itself? To harbor negativity and somehow enjoy being consumed by it? Anger is one of the strongest emotions, and so hard to control, and yet being angry feels so good!

Why is it that I just ended one of the strongest friendships of my life, and yet I feel no remorse? I am a happy person. I never yell at people. I may complain behind their backs, but I am never bitchy to someone's face. Never. Yet here I am, having royally and sarcastically bitched out my best friend, wait, former best friend, and damn, I feel amazing. How is that possible? How can it feel good for me, a genuinely nice person, to be so mean?

I used to think that anger comes first and sadness follows. I've spent the last 2 or 3 days waiting for the sadness to catch up with me. Waiting for the realization that I ended my closest friendship to hit me, and for regret or remorse or guilt... but none of that came. Last night it occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, I'm wrong. Maybe instead of anger and then sadness, maybe it's the opposite. I have spent the last several months being sad. I have spent a significant amount of time mourning the slow decline of a friendship I valued greatly. I have convinced myself that by continuing to try, that I was doing the right thing, and that I didn't really want to lose that relationship. I finally gave up hope of salvaging that relationship, and I let the anger get to me. I let the irritation and resentment catch up, and I spent some time trying to talk myself out of it. I tried to tell myself that anger wasn't real, and that I had nothing to be angry about. It didn't work. It finally got to the point where I didn't care about what I might be losing, because by letting out my anger, I was freeing myself, and that's exactly what I did. I did what I've always secretly wanted to, but never had the courage to do. I let out exactly what I was thinking, in the smart-ass, bitchy, sarcastic manner that I had in my head. I let go of the resentment, and the anger, and I would have kept going had I had the chance. As it is, a part of me still harbors more resentment that I couldn't get out of my system, but the majority of me feels freer and happier than I have been in months. So yes, the sadness of my loss might catch up to me eventually, but I don't think so. I think the time for grief has passed, and now that the anger has passed as well, I think I can finally let go and move on.

Anger is a curious thing. It grows and consumes a part of the soul, and left to its own devices, it can take over. Taming anger is an honorable goal, and should be practiced by all. However, I strongly believe that at some point, anger will express itself, with little regard for consequences. At some point, it takes over the mind and the intellect, and brings apathy instead of worry. It calms inhibitions, and unleashes itself. It can be controlled, but at what cost? Isn't it sometimes better to free oneself of its hold?

My Not-So-F*ed Up Brain: Part 2

I just got back from the newest appointment at the Mayo. I had another EEG this morning, and everything came back normal again, yay! At this point, we discussed with my doctor what's going to go on next. I'm going to decrease and taper off of one of my meds over the next 3 weeks to a month, and, assuming that there are no recurring symptoms, I won't need to return to the Mayo until this time next year. In that time, I will continue to be on my other medication, as a precaution. So, all is good on the medical front, yay!!!!

Back On My Feet Again

The world loves me again. I feel great. I have had a great week, and I am loving it!

I got my sandan... my third degree black belt. I was surrounded by my karate family, surrounded by people who understand me and what I do, and I did my best to prove myself, and I earned my sandan. It still hasn't entirely sunk in, but wow, I feel incredible. I always thought this was what I was going for, but I know now that even this isn't enough. Sensei said last night that at every stage of the game, a person has to evaluate and create goals, and I know now that although I have reached a level I never dreamed of, I'm not done yet. I've come this far, and I'm going to continue doing karate until I am unable to do it anymore, because it is my life's passion, and it's the one thing that makes me truly happy.

I'm driving again. I tried calling the DMV and they told me they would not inform me if I am allowed to drive, only if I'm not. So, that being said, and considering I have a note from my doctor clearing me to drive, damnit, I'm going to drive. I love it. I have my freedom back. I have my music back. I can crank up my rock-out-tunage until it doesn't go any louder, and I frickin love it. I have my life back!!!

I spent several hours yesterday with Hailey, who I haven't spent any time with in a year at least. We gossiped and talked and caught up, and it was great.

My parents are on vacation. I cleaned the house. I took Turbo outside. Shawn has the weekend off. I might be baking with Michelle tomorrow. I get to finally have some time to myself, and feel independent again. I can finally feel like me again!

On the down side, I miss my friends more than ever. It was great to hang out with Hailey again, but catching up and talking always reminds me of the people who have run screaming from my life, or those who have slowly faded away. All she had to say was "he misses you" and I just about lose it. Of the 6 or 7 people in my life that I have been closest to and trusted the most, only 2 or 3 remain. I love them, and I can't complain, but what about the others? What happened to my great circle of support? As much as I love my life and finally feel like the pieces are falling together again, I can't help but miss the aspects that are gone.

But, yet again, I'm complaining when I have only things to be thankful for. I am happy again. My life is good again. I am moving forward, and embracing life as it comes at me. Let's just hope it stays that way!

Karate Camp!

Hello all!
As I write this, I am sitting in my hotel room in Texas after 2 days of karate camp. My feet are killing me, I have bruises all over, I haven't slept well, and tomorrow I will be testing for Sandan in front of at least 100 people [most notably, of course, Master Kise and Kaicho]. But I love every minute of it!

I love the feel of blood pounding in my veins. I hate sweat, but I love the fact that I am working to my full potential. I know exercise releases endorphins, which is why I love these things, but that doesn't change the fact that I love them. I love doing a kata on autopilot, and knowing I do it well. I love watching the people around me. I love asking and answering questions, and learning new and better things from people I haven't seen often. And most importantly, I love those people. I love how everyone understands our system, and the things we stand for. I love how I don't have to explain myself or what I do to people who think that ours is not a "true" martial art. No, I don't break boards. I've never been attacked by a board. I love the instructors, because they are there to help, and even the strict and highly disciplined instructors are willing to listen to and answer questions that arrive. I love meeting new people at every camp, and making new friendships, and I love reconnecting and continuing friendships I have formed in prior years. I love it all.

Tomorrow I will be testing for my Sandan. This will be the greatest achievement of my life (assuming I don't screw it up). As I said 3 years ago when I got my Nidan- I found karate, I love karate, and I'm going to do karate. Karate has shaped me as a person, and I feel incredible when I do it. I have truly found my life's passion, and I will never give that up. Thank you to everyone who has helped me get to where I am today.

Dear God

Dear God,

I don't believe in your existence, BUT I believe in the beauty of the world around me.

I don't believe that you perform miracles, BUT I believe in the good works that humanity is capable of.

I don't believe that you sent Jesus to atone for the sins of mankind, BUT I believe that he was and is an inspiration to his followers.

I don't believe that you answer prayers or help people, BUT I believe that having faith is help enough.

I don't believe that only religious people are rewarded after life. In fact, I don't think there is an afterlife. I think the best reward is being a good person in this life, and that's reward enough for me.

In short... I don't believe that belief is necessary to live a good life. I think that doing good works and trying to help others, being kind and compassionate, and pursuing happiness should be good enough for you. If people happen to have faith and religion helps them, that's good for them, but it doesn't work that way for me.

Thanks for listening,

-Charlotte

My Not-So-F*ed-Up Brain

So I just got back from spending two more days at the Mayo. As I said in previous posts, I've been having lightheaded spells that were a little concerning, so I spent Wednesday afternoon and Thursday at the Mayo Clinic to get things checked out and make sure that none of this is a sign of further seizure activity or complications from my encephalitis from December.

I had an MRI Wednesday afternoon, which came back the same as it did in February... NORMAL!!!

I had blood drawn Thursday morning. The waiting room was packed full, and of course, the median age was probably somewhere around 6o. I sat next to a really nice lady named Barbara who was doing word-search puzzles. She asked if I wanted to help her, but I declined, knowing full well that I would dominate and take over her word-search book if I agreed to 'help'. Anyway, results of the blood tests were normal too, although for some reason the amount of one of my meds was pretty low. The doc said not to worry though.

I had an EEG done later Thursday morning. Apparently the guy doing my EEG did one of my earlier ones when I was in the hospital in December. Obviously, I don't remember him, but it was nice to be able to have something to talk about. Despite only getting 6 hours of sleep, I had difficulty falling asleep during the test. I think it's just because it's notoriously difficult to fall asleep in a situation where you know you are being watched. Seriously weird. Anyway, even without sleep, the EEG went well. Everything came back as normal!!!
--- On a side note, the EEG is just a bizarre test. I mean really, they stick electrodes all over you, make you wear a stupid hat, squeeze gel into the hat and poke you with a little stick, then ask you a bunch of questions, expect you to go to sleep while you're being watched, then wake you up and flash a strobe light in your face for 5 minutes. Seriously, WTF?

Anyway, we met with Dr. Schmalsteig (forgive the spelling) on Thursday afternoon; he's such a nice guy. After describing the episodes I've been having and discussing the test results (again, all came back normal!) his opinion was that it is NOT related to seizure activity or any sort of brain abnormality. He said that the lightheadedness is simply an instance of not getting enough blood to my brain. When my body tries to compensate and tells my heart to beat harder, I begin to feel the blood in my hands and feet as well, thus the throbbing sensations. He said that it will probably resolve itself in time, but that I should make a note of when it happens and see if there are any consistent circumstances that trigger these episodes. He said the best thing I can do is just drink lots of water, and sit down or put my head down when this happens to get the blood flowing again.
--- Funny side note: Dr. Schmalsteig is a nice guy, and apparently pretty smart. About half an hour after we left the clinic and were on our way home, he called my cell phone. Apparently he "forgot" to remind me (again) that my meds may interfere with the effectiveness of the birth control pill that I'm on, and to encourage me to use a backup method of contraception to avoid pregnancy. LOL. Forgot? I Don't think so. I think he's a smart guy who decided it would probably not be a good idea to give me a sex talk in front of my parents. I mean, it doesn't matter, they know anyway, but nonetheless- it's funny. LOL... I mean really, I'm still giggling about it. 'forgot'..... lol....

In Short:
On the one hand, it's a little annoying to have driven 4 hours and spent 2 days doing tests only to be told that nothing is wrong and that I need to drink more water. On the other hand, NOTHING IS WRONG!!!! So I'm happy, and my family is super-relieved too. Yay for being not-so-screwed-up anymore!!!!!!!!!!!