It's that time of the year...

There are only 2 1/2 weeks of the semester left, and I am slowly going braindead. I have nearly 70 pages to write in that time- 4 major term papers, a presentation, and 2 final tests. All are due on or before May 2nd. Every time I think about how much I have to do, I get instantly overwhelmed and resort to internet browsing to take my mind off things (right now I'm supposed to be editing a paper due Wednesday).

And then there's the wedding. In less than 3 months I'm going to be married! YAY! I'm super excited, but also getting to that point where I'm freaking out. I'm 5 states away and can't get any planning done because of school, distance, and too much other stuff to do. I have to wait 3 weeks until I go home and then just dive into the planning process. There's so much to do and so little time.

I just really want it to be the end of May right now. School will be over, I will be home and will have had 2 weeks to destress and get some of the wedding stuff out of the way (like a dress fitting and marital counselling), and I will hopefully have some of my sanity back. In the meantime, wish me luck!

I Scared a Human Today

I scared a human today. The night had gotten late, as usual. The bugs were scarce and I had had a hard time coming up with any. I knew she was going to throw a fit if I came home empty-beaked again. Not to mention the chicks are getting bigger,and louder. We can't skip meals anymore, and their cries are starting to attract attention. We can't afford negative attention, from predators or the neighbors. Times might be hard, but we still have our dignity.

I had finally tracked down a bug. A big juicy one. One of those giant ones that looks like a mosquito, but like, 40 times bigger. It wasn't enough for me and the missus, but it would feed the kids. I lunged at it, crippling it's leg and tackling it to the ground. I chased it from the tree into the grass and then onto the hard gray surface. I knew it was getting late. Humans were starting to stir, but this bug was proving tricky. If I could just kill it and be on my way...

One of them was coming towards me. I couldn't let the bug go, it was still alive, and damnit, I need dinner! But this human was getting closer. I had seen bigger ones. Humans attacking birds were rare, more likely, it was after my bug. I couldn't let it have my bug. It looked female, from what I knew of them, the female ones had the long fur on their heads. She stopped and looked at me. I knew I had to make a stand. It was my bug.

I puffed up my chest. The bug was down for the count and hopping away on its half-leg that it had remaining. I kept one eye on the bug and one eye on the human. I jumped between my prey and the human, making my fierce attack noise. Hopefully humans can't tell I'm getting over a cold. She moved forward. I kept myself between the human and the bug. IT'S MY BUG. She kept walking. I kept my feathers fluffed and my stance strong, keeping myself always with an eye on the bug and a glare towards the female. I think she got the picture, and she slowly backed away.

No one more humans will mess with me. I finished off the bug and brought it home. The kids were fed, the missus was appeased, and I got a compliment for scaring the human. I think she was actually worried about me coming home late. For once, I'm a little glad that I work in an area that's a little sketchy sometimes. I feel good about myself. I scared a human today, all in a day's work.

Pet Peeves

I've been here for awhile now, and there are some things that irk me. Some are unique to the south, Nashville, or Vandy, and others are universal. Regardless, I decided to list my pet peeves.

• These stupid little tree seed thingies. They are perfectly round, slightly sticky, and cover the sidewalk as I walk to school. Because my shoes are cheap, Old Navy flip-flops, by the time I get to school, they are EMBEDDED in the bottom of my shoe. So then I have to spend time picking the little tree seeds out of my shoe and then sticking to the floor as I walk. I don't know what kind of tree it is, but I never cease to be annoyed.
• Squirrels. More specifically, squirrels on college campuses. They are spoiled and eat people food. Squirrels should be wild, not fearless and staring at me. I got back at them one day though. I scared one when he was too brave and went into a trash can right next to me. I pounded on the trash can and he came flying out of there like it was the end of the world. Reckless and spoiled squirrel. Grrr.
• My Greek professor's obsession with accents. It's hard enough to learn the declensions and vocabulary. I do not care where the accent mark on the word goes. The 3 people in our class who took Greek in undergrad all said that their profs in the past shrugged it off as unnecessary, as does our textbook. I understand his enthusiasm, but I do not share it. Don't grade me on it.
• The fact that my roommate has a ginormous flatscreen TV, but won't pay for the HD channels. Or DVR.
• At coffee hour every Friday, the bagel slicer isn't sharp enough and it squishes my bagel. Totally flattens it. Then I have to somehow unflatten it in order to put cream cheese on it. It's a minor inconvenience, but still, annoying.
• The chairs in one of the rooms I have a discussion class in don't fit underneath the table. The arms go right up the edge, but don't quite go underneath, so we sit perched at the edge of the table without being able to put our legs underneath. It's very awkward.
• Nashville doesn't sell Diet Cherry Coke. At least not at Target or Kroger. This upsets me. I LOVE Diet Cherry Coke. It is my favorite. I have been drinking plain Diet Coke since I got here. And no, Cherry Coke Zero is not the same. I don't know what to do. It's driving me crazy.
• There is a girl in my program who looks just like my friend Laura. And the fact that Laura is my one friend from college who is also in Nashville, freaks me out even more. It's like there are two of her. This isn't exactly a pet peeve, but it's really freakin weird.
• I need new shoes and I don't know where to go to get some.
• You know that awkward moment when you're friends with someone but they're better friends with a mutual friend? And then you have to try to make conversation when the mutual friend isn't there? I have to do that once a week with this one guy when our friend goes one way after class and he and I walk the other direction, and I end up being the awkward conversation-babbler who is trying too hard to come up with things to say. It's annoying.
• Nashville doesn't seem to have right turn lanes.
• When walking across campus, people are texting and walking and weaving all over the sidewalk because they can't text and walk at the same time. This is a universal college-wide phenomenon.
• My GPS decides not to work when I need it the most.
• My belt buckle pokes a tiny hole in every single one of my t-shirts.
• And last but not least, because so many of my classes are with the same people or in the same classrooms, I can never remember who is in what class when. Even after two months, it's a constant surprise when I go to my discussion groups to see who I am discussing with.

Time flies when you're... well, really busy actually.

So I've been in Nashville for a month already. I can't believe it's September. Part of that disbelief is because for the last 4 days it has been 100 degrees here while in MN it's been 75. I think if I continue living here, September might no longer be my favorite month, I may just have to push it back to November or something. Call me a yankee, but it's too hot down here.

What have I been doing for the last month, you may ask? I have actually been surprisingly busy. I spent the first week by myself being bored, but once orientation came around, I became a social butterfly! (Okay, not quite. I don't think any circumstance could turn ME into a social butterfly, but I did make a few friends). For starters, my roommate and a few of her friends took me out to a place called the Bluebird Cafe, where local singers/songwriters play music. It's a really laid back environment- it's even in a strip mall off the highway- and we just had appetizers and beer while listening to them play for a few hours. Nothing fancy, but I got a taste of the music side of music city USA.

A few friends from orientation and I decided to make a day trip out to the Jack Daniels distillery about an hour outside of Nashville (which, ironically, is in a dry county). So we took the tour of the distillery and spent the afternoon in a tiny town that looked like it was still in the 1800s, except for all the tourists and motorcycle gangs.

As for my classes, I am taking two big lecture courses that are required for all first year divinity students- Hebrew Bible and Formation of the Christian Tradition. The Hebrew Bible prof likes to joke and thinks he's funny, which he is, but when it's monday morning and we're all still half sleeping, he doesn't understand why our laughter is only half-hearted. I'm also taking Koine Greek, which is royally kicking my ass. I'm hoping it gets easier, but not counting on it. And last but not least, Contemporary Issues in American Religion, which is small and discussion based (reminds me fondly of Macalester), and should be really interesting, especially since it's broken into modules of discussion based on politics, sexuality, and the decline of church attendance. What I have learned thus far is that I am more prepared for grad school than most people. When other people see 10 books on the syllabus they think OMG WHAT?! and I think, "Oh, this prof is like Paula." Or when we had to read Perpetua for my Christianity class, I only half read it because this was my 4th time. Clearly my undergrad did something for me.

My work study ended up being in the library, and it is a completely pointless job. I get paid $9 an hour to sit at a desk, check books back into the library, sort them, sometimes shelve them, and on saturday nights, it's so dead that I just do my homework. It's pathetic that I get paid more to do that than I have at any previous job. But hey, it pays for groceries.

I also found a karate club on campus that I joined and am practicing with. It's goju-ryu instead of shorin-ryu, which is what I did at home, but they are both Okinawan and therefore VERY similar. I love the people and we have a lot in common. I can tell already I'm going to like it.

Last but not least, Shawn and I are moving forward with wedding planning for next summer. We reserved a venue in Cold Spring, and are having our ceremony at his church in Paynesville. So in addition to all the other junk I'm doing, I'm trying to plan a wedding from 5 states away. YAY!!!

As usual, my updates seem to be running long and I'm not sure how much actual substance is present. All I know is that I'm having a grand ol' time here in Nashville (hehe, pun intended). I'll try and keep you posted on a monthly basis unless anything major happens in the meantime :)

Greetings from Nashville!

Hello All!
I have been in Nashville for 4 days now, 5 if you count last Thursday which was spent in the car all day. Doesn't seem like long to you, but it's been quite awhile already for me. For starters, I did not realize that my little mazda could hold all that stuff. I assumed that since I wasn't hauling any furniture it wouldn't be problem. "Surely a few boxes of books and clothes will easily fit into my car, especially since it's a hatchback." ... We had to throw away a lamp (we broke it while trying to cram it into the back), and drove all 14 hours to Nashville with my karate bo sticking right over my shoulder. Pillows and soft items were shoved into every nook and cranny, and I am proud to say that I managed to limit my shoes to one large tub.
Anyway, Shawn and I are in Nashville. He's here until Thursday, and after that, I'm on my own. On Friday we bought a bed and desk, and then proceeded to assemble the damn thing. I don't think I have ever seen something with so many pieces! The instruction book had 41 steps. But, like the car, we got it done. I also have a bookshelf, which was much easier to assemble than the desk, but still a project in itself.
So now that I am unpacked and my room is fully furnished, on to Nashville itself. The weather here is pretty much the worst of MN- HOT and HUMID. Oh, and rainy. It has rained every day except today. The worst part is that it doesn't stop being hot at night. It is just ALWAYS hot. I didn't really realize how bad it was until I decided to try my walk to campus. It's about a 20 minute walk, which wouldn't be too bad except that when I turn around and realize that the way back is mostly uphill. Needless to say, I will need to get in shape and get used to the heat. On the plus side, August is the worst month for heat, and it only gets better.
According to my roommate, people here are terrified of winter and the entire city shuts down for any snow, so I'm looking forward to that. I will be a seasoned expert when it comes to snow and ice. All the people laughing at me in the heat will be looking to me when it snows. HA. As for my roommate, her name is Teagan. She is really nice. She's working on her PhD in cell biology at Vandy. She's a little neurotic about keeping the condo clean, but hey, that works for me. She studies a lot, and there's not much else to say. I think we'll get along just fine.

Shawn and I have been trying to get acquainted with the city, with our limited budget. No, we have not gone to the Opry. We are students, not tourists. We did go to the life-size replica of the Parthenon though. That was cool; there was a 40 foot tall gold-plated statue of Athena inside. Shawn thought she was creepy; I thought she was pretty awesome. We attempted to eat at the Pancake Pantry for lunch one time, but that didn't happen. Apparently when the internet reviews say it gets "busy", that means a line of 30 people standing outside just waiting to get in, much less waiting for food. We might try again tomorrow when it's not a Saturday. However, we did find a good thing about Nashville that made up for our lack of pancakes- a Krispy Kreme. Farewell diet, Nashville has what MN closed down, and all donut-y goodness is just waiting to be eaten. This does not bode well for stressed-out studying.

So overall, the last 4 days have flown by. I have been super busy buying and assembling furniture, getting acquainted with the area, I got a new phone (because mine broke, AGAIN), and trying to figure out what is where and how to get there. From here on out, I will keep in touch as the year progresses. Orientation is next week and school starts the 22nd, so the real deal starts then. Until then, wish me luck!

Love and Math

Everyone knows that 1+1=2. Everyone has heard the phrase 2 hearts joined as 1. I have even heard when true love hits, 2+2=5, meaning that something extra is thrown into the package when it's really real. People have a way of putting love, the unexplainable, into terms that are concrete and unchanging, such as numbers. People are added together and eventually multiply to make families. This is what I mean when I talk about love and math.

It's easy to talk about love and math when speaking in terms of addition and multiplication. 1+1=2. Half and half equals a whole. It's all about coming together and creating something new, adding something into the equation that wasn't there before, and the situation becomes better for it. That's what love is.
But what happens when you work in reverse? What happens when you subtract or divide? What happens when love dissipates, or there are breakups or obstacles? In math it's tricky, and in life it's harder. There are remainders and decimals and fractions floating around.

When two people fall in love, it can be considered 1+1=2. But I'm moving to Nashville in two weeks. We aren't breaking up, we're going to suffer the long distance thing, work it out, we're even getting married next year. It's definitely an obstacle. I am still my 1 person, but I feel like I'm less myself without him. How many ways can you divide 2? Am I only 3/4 of me? Does that mean he's the 1 1/4? Or is that extra little piece of me just floating out there somewhere, waiting to be reunited? Maybe it's more of a case of 2+2=5, and we are just losing that extra 1 when the distance tears us apart? Except we aren't. We are just as much in love as we are every day, and it's me personally that feels like I'm losing a part of myself, not a part of love.

This is where my math metaphor falls apart. Love and math is fine and dandy as an addition, joining two people together makes for sweet poetry, but when they reach a hurdle or division, where does the split occur? True love joins people so completely that unlike numbers, they cannot be divided. It becomes impossible to distinguish the self from the other without losing a piece of the puzzle.

Took Long Enough

We set a date. I know not too long ago I was complaining and bitching and moaning about how jealous and resentful I was about people who are getting married all around me when I was first to get engaged... well, I did something about it. Shawn and I had a discussion and we decided that next year really is the best time to get married. We don't want to wait until after grad school. We don't want to wait until after law school. We definitely don't want to postpone into my PhD days. Next year is the time, and June 30th is the date (assuming we can find a venue that works for us, we may have to be a little flexible, but for now, it's June 30th).

So mark your calendars, after 6 years of dating, after almost 4 years of being engaged, the most indecisive couple in the world is finally tying the knot. June 30th, 2012 :)

The Good Thing about Small Towns

About a month ago, Ezra Thompson decided he was going to go out west on a hiking expedition in the mountains of Washington state. He has been really into the whole outdoorsy thing lately- rock climbing and snowshoeing and whatnot. He had professional equipment and all that jazz. Nonetheless, he managed to get himself stuck on a cliff for 4 days and stranded; he had to be rescued by a helicopter team when he didn't show up to the summer camp he was supposed to be working at. He was missing for a full day before they found him and another day before they could get to him because of treacherous avalanche conditions. Luckily, he's fine. Probably a bit scared and who knows when the next time he'll go on a mountainous trek will be, but he's fine.

He was supposed to arrive at camp Tuesday. He was called in missing Wednesday. They found him Thursday. And I think they rescued him either Friday or Saturday. My point is that all of this is happening halfway across the country. Shawn and I, 2 mere aquaintences of Ezra living 2 hours from our hometown, knew about it by Wednesday evening. Incidently (and unfortunately), we were the ones to inform Peder. (Why Jay and Laura didn't call their elder son is beyond me, by the time we found out, all of Paynesville School System knew about it as well as the majority of the area churches, so why no one bothered to call Peder I still don't know). When a person goes missing or is in need of assistance, a small town pulls together. Churches whip out their prayer lists, schools do the same (F*#$ the first amendment, a life is at stake, let's pray!), and by Thursday morning at the very latest, everyone in the Stearns, Kandiyohi, and Meeker area was on Ezra Thompson's side. And by that time, even his brother in Nebraska had been informed :)

People who have probably never talked to Ezra left him public facebook messages, wishing well. His rescue went smoothly, and now that all is back to normal, he can continue being the shy and quiet guy that had his few days of WOW, WAIT, WHAT?!
My point is, you can't get that in a big town, or a small city. You can't get that in a community where people don't know each other. And for one of the first times in the last 3 years, I caught of glimpse of what it might have been like when everyone was worried about me in 2008. It makes me grateful for where I came from, and I hope that it continues to be that way for future Paynesvillites who find themselves between a rock and a hard place- in Ezra's case, literally.

Where I've been, Where I am, and Where I'm going...

I've been absent from blogging a long time. I've been busy. My life has been changing. A lot has been going on, and as usual, I have a lot to think about. As for where I've been and what I've been doing, I graduated from college!!!! Yay!!!!!!!!! I officially have a bachelor's degree from Macalester College. I majored in Religious Studies, minored in Classics, and every time I tell people that, they immediately ask "and what are you going to do with that?" Well, I am going to go to Vanderbilt Divinity School in Nashville Tennessee and pursue my Masters degree in Theological Studies. After that I will go on to get a PhD with the ultimate goal of teaching and being a professor. I do not intend on being a pastor or minister or whatever, although many of my peers will. So that's the scoop on what has been going on and what the plan is.

Even better, Shawn got into law school! He has always wanted to go to William Mitchell Law School here in St Paul, and he got accepted! So.... we are going to do a long distance relationship for the next 2-3 years. It will be difficult. I am so happy for him though, I can't even begin to describe it. The reason we decided to split up is because neither of us wanted to give up school for our relationship; we both have our dreams at our fingertips, and we have been together for 6 years, surely we can survive a little bit of long-distance.

The marriage thing has been getting me down lately though. We have been together for nearly 6 years. We have been engaged for 3 1/2. I want to get married. I don't want to plan another 3 years out. I don't want to postpone indefinitely. I want to just do it already. We call each other husband and wife. I want desperately to just get it over with so that I can get out of this stage of limbo. Right now I start to feel bitter towards others who are starting to get married or talking about engagements because I feel like I'm just perpetually STUCK. I'm sick of being stuck. I don't care if we even have a wedding anymore, I just want to have the title of officially being married, but I know that if we just go to the courthouse I'll regret it later.
Lately I've been thinking that next year is the time to do it. Next summer. But then we have to figure out how to afford it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so frustrated.

I move to Nashville in early August, but Shawn and I are also moving in 3 weeks to a bigger apartment in St Paul. He wants a roommate for the school year, so we are moving to a 2 bedroom apartment with his friend Mike and the three of us are going to live together whenever I'm not in Nashville and it'll just be the boys when I'm gone. I'm really glad that Shawn has a friend, but at the same time, I'm a bit jealous. I wish I had a friend. We hang out with Mike a lot, and Shawn's other friends Megan and Tim, and I feel like I don't really have friends anymore. I can always call Kristi, but she is always a few hours away. Laura is nearby, but she rarely wants to hang out. Did I mention she is coming to Nashville with me? She is. She got into Vandy's nursing program. However, no matter the fact that we're friends, we still only hang out once a month or so. So much for best friends. I really miss having someone to share secrets with and talk to at any hour of the day and just bare the depths of my soul to. The last person I did that with was Krista, or other people who are just gone. People who have left, or were bad influences. I want to have a best friend again. I want to have someone who is there for me every day. Someone who I'm not romantically involved with- it's just different with Shawn- and I just want to be able to talk to someone. I miss people. I am just so lonely all the time.

My life is working out. I graduated. I know where I'm going and what I'm doing. Things are good, but that doesn't mean I'm completely happy yet.

Feeling a Little Grinchy

Happy Holidays, Season's Greetings, Merry Christmas... the point is the same; it's a season of merriment, happiness, and joy, or at least it's supposed to be. Normally, I am a very happy person this time of year, or as Shawn likes to say, I "have Christmas spirit coming out my ass". I love to decorate, shop, and wrap presents, and bake... oh I love to bake. Last year I made 7 kinds of cookies, over 200, and had to force myself to stop because I was afraid I wouldn't have enough. I watch the classic christmas movies like the Grinch and Rudolph. I play my Christmas playlist on iTunes constantly, and paint my fingernails to look like candycanes. Yes, I am usually full of Christmas cheer.

This year is similar- I have decorated the apartment in full glory, I have shopped, wrapped presents, painted my nails, and have a full baking extravaganza planned (although it hasn't taken place yet). But something is holding me back. Somehow, I don't feel as jubilant as I normally do. I blame Target. Everyday I go to work and I get bitched at by people who are consumed by the materialistic aspect of Christmas, and they are so focused on getting whatever it is that they need for their kids or grandkids or whatever that they don't seem to care how rude or crass they are to everyone else who happens to be in their way (like me, the lady answering the phone). The whole thing makes me question the whole purpose of christmas, what it has become, and why we even bother. If Christmas has become a retail nightmare, revolving around who can buy the most expensive gifts, then why bother? No one I talk to seems happy, and are they going to be happy on Christmas? Are they going to be happy after Christmas, when they have to pay their credit card bills? Because trust me, I'm going to be taking phone calls about those too.

Examples of how I'm losing faith in Christmas and humanity (in chronological order):

Wearing nothing but flip-flop girls: First snow of the year, we had about 6 or 8 inches of snow, and a cart of 3 girls comes rolling into the fitting room looking completely frozen. They are trying on some clothes, and the reason they are frozen? They're not wearing shoes. Just flip-flops. In 6 inches of snow. The excuse? "We didn't have any other shoes" They had tucked socks into the sandals, somehow, but no, just flipflops. So sure enough, they try on a bunch of sweatshirts and stuff, and decide that "nothing fits", but after they leave, I find wet socks stashed in the fitting room and tags for the ones they stole shoved into corners. If they're going to steal socks, maybe they should steal shoes too, at least then the socks wouldn't go to waste in the snow. Or better yet, if you're going to live in a state that gets snow every year, maybe you should be prepared and get some boots, even if they're cheap or used or hand-me-downs.

Falling on the Ice Guy: Three weeks ago we had an ice storm. Ice coated everything, made it so slippery that it was hazardous to go anywhere, there were car accidents everywhere, it was majorly dangerous. The store was super slow because no one would leave their houses to come shopping. We salted in front of the doors, the city salted the major roads, we did the best we could. Nonetheless, a guy fell out in the parking lot because there was a SOLID SHEET OF ICE COATING THE ENTIRE PARKING LOT. Management rushed out there, helped him, made sure he wasn't hurt, etc etc etc. Sure enough, 10 minutes later, he calls. "I just fell in your parking lot. It's really icy out here and I think you should do something about it. I hurt my knee, it's throbbbing and painful and you guys really need to salt the parking lot..." and he continues to yell at me about how it's necessary that we salt the entire parking lot for the safety of our customers. Buddy, we just had an ice storm. The entire city is covered in ice. We salted the side walks. If you didn't want to fall, maybe you shouldn't have left your house. Faith in humanity lost another point.

Snowbank lady: I took a phone call from a lady the other day, the saturday before christmas, when the parking lot was absolutely full to the brink with cars, and she was wondering if our snowbanks are permanent. "Well, the major snowbanks, the really tall ones, are not going anywhere until spring. Why do you ask?" I replied. "Well there's a small snowbank that is blocking one of the rear exits/driveways to the store, and if you were to clear this snowbank, I believe it would significantly clear up traffic congestion." she said, with a completely serious tone. She continued to emphasize the importance of clearing this one particular snowbank for a good 3 or 4 minutes, describing in seriousness the location of the snowbank, it's height, etc, and wanted to make sure that I would pass the message on to a manager, because "the traffic out here is just so busy and congested". Yah lady, the traffic is busy. It's the week before frickin' Christmas and you're at a Target store in one of the busiest suburbs in the metro area, and you think that clearing one minor snowbank is going to make all the traffic go away? Needless to say, that was not a message I passed on. Faith in humanity just lost a point.

The people who insist on telling me their whole life story before I can get a word in edgewise: Ok, these people annoy me all year round, but they are especially annoying this time of year because my phone is ringing constantly, and they just waste my time all the more. They insist on telling me everything they need, before letting me tell them that I'm just the operator and not the person they really need to talk to. Sorry, but let me transfer you to someone who cares.

People who must have a particularly hot item: It's december 20th. If you wanted a Play Station 3, you should have gotten it in october. We don't have any left. We don't have any tickle-me-elmos, Barbie's Dream Town House, Harry Potter Legos, Uno Attack, or whatever else is popular this year. Also, two weeks ago we had a blizzard that dumped two feet of snow on the ground, so we are sold out of shovels, ice melt, and ice scrapers. Target is not a magic supply of endless stuff, and we don't get in stuff constantly. WE ARE OUT. Also, if you call with the item numbers, I know you've called every other store in the area, plus the fact that you have that desperate tone in your voice gives you away. Even more so, if you call more than once and pretend that you didnt call before, gives it away because you've forgotten which stores you've already called. We don't have whatever it is you're looking for. Give it up. Your kid doesn't need it. Get them sleds and tell them to get off the couch and go outside. Seriously.

People who hang up after being on hold, call back, and bitch about being on hold for too long: It's december 20th. Chances are, you were holding for one of two areas, electronics or toys. See the above post. As for hanging up and calling back, that just means that other people have called in the meantime, and you've made your waiting time longer. Not my fault. We're busy, we're doing the best we can. Sorry. Suck it up. The world does not revolve around you and the fact that your kid must have the latest and greatest whatever, which we probably sold out of two weeks ago anyway.

My point in each of these stories is simple, people are so focused on themselves, on the material things about Christmas or winter or whatever it is that they are focused on that they fail to see the big picture. This is not what Christmas is about. Christmas is about being happy, celebrating with family, and doing whatever traditions you do (religious or whatnot). The holiday season is not about going to every Target in the metro area in search of Barbie's freakin townhouse. It is not about trooping through the blizzard or ice storm in inadequate clothing and falling on your ass, unless you can turn it into a fun story. Christmas is supposed to be happy. Instead of being a grinch, be a who. Otherwise you turn other people (like me) into Grinches. and I don't want to be grinchy, but the longer I spend answering phones and listening to other people bitch and moan, the less and less I'm liking Christmas, and that's just plain sad.

Taking Control

I got my license back today. I feel like it might be time to turn over a new leaf and take control of my life again, and quit letting outside influences control me. My meds and seizures are at the most stable that they have ever been, and I feel like I might be on the verge of... normal.

I had forgotten what normal feels like. It feels good. It feels great. It feels fantastic. I don't ever want to go back. I don't ever want to be in my bad place again.

But I don't want to forget what it's like to be in that place, because if I forget what it's like to feel like shit, then maybe I'll forget how wonderful today feels, and I'll start to take advantage of that feeling. I don't ever want to lose that wonder.

Today, I have the world at my fingertips again. Today, I feel like I can take control of my life again. Today, I have epilepsy, and epilepsy does not have me. I might just go for a drive to celebrate.

It's NeverEnding

So I know that a month ago when I posted, I was fairly confident it would be my last. I was wrong, because here I am again, back at it.

I once had a friend tell me that told me, convinced me, that my health problems would get better. Things would pass and I would be fine. That friend was wrong. I am not better. I am not getting better. If anything, I might be getting worse, and it is terrifying.

Last June, when I tried to come off one of my meds, the Dr. said that "if everything goes well, we won't see you until this time next year." Since that day, I have had 4 major tonic-clonic seizures, and so many simple-partials (or lightheaded spells, as I once referred to them) that I have lost count.

Yesterday I spent the afternoon in the ER. Usually hospitalization isn't necessary for a person with epilepsy. They have a seizure, and as long as they dont hit their head on anything, should be fine once they wake up. Shawn knows this, but he decided it would be good to call 911 yesterday because I wasn't breathing and had turned blue.

The scariest part is that this happened in the middle of the day. All my other large seizures have happened as I've been waking up in the morning. I have never had a simple little one generalize into a larger full-blown convulsion before. I am terrified. Before, I could rely on the fact that the chances of something happening to me are slim when I'm at work or school because all my major seizures have been as I'm waking up... but that's not the case anymore. What will happen next? Will they ever find meds that work for me?

I tried to go on another medicine about 3 weeks ago, and after 2 weeks of it, I broke out into a rash and fever for 3 days. I had to stop that medication, obviously. There are people who go their entire lives without finding a drug cocktail that works for them. What if that's me? What if I never get my license back? What if I have a seizure at work, or in the middle of class? I know that I'm probably stuck with this for the rest of my life, but what happens in 5 or 10 years when I want kids? Am I going to be able to stay home alone without fear of something happening to me?

In the course of one afternoon, so many things have changed, and my fear has exponentially spiked. What happens next? My health problems are not getting better. They are getting worse. I don't know if we can fix it. I am broken.

New Year

Happy New Year!

Part of me wants to start fresh, with an optimistic perspective, and write about the possibilities and opportunities to come. Luckily, my gag reflex overrules that, and I am much more willing to approach the new year with a cautious skepticism, realism rather than optimism, and continual thought as to where I am going and what I want to accomplish.

I don't feel comfortable writing as expressly as I once did. My private yet public blog space here feels a little like it's been invaded, and I am reminded that this is not a diary. It is public domain, and although that helped me move through many of my issues... I don't need it anymore. I don't need to feel like people are listening when they aren't, and I don't want to focus on who's reading this and has no right to be. That being said, I'm considering ending blogging entirely. I can't bring myself to do it today, but if this is my last post, then it just is.

Truth is, I have several resolutions this year. My persistent resolution: embrace a healthier lifestyle with proper eating, exercise, and hopefully some weight loss. But more importantly, I want to work at things that have always been difficult for me. Forgiveness, acceptance, and moving on. I want to forgive myself and others, and genuinely succeed, not just pretend. I want to be able to accept the conditions of my life that have changed, most notably the epilepsy thing. It is a condition that I will probably have for the rest of my life, and it's not under control yet. I need to try to deal with that instead of vain hope or denial. And if I can succeed in forgiveness and acceptance, perhaps I can look at life the way I did a long time ago: like the world is a wide world of possibility, instead of feeling caged, trapped, and hopeless.

If anyone reads this, goodbye. If no one does, then I am once again talking to myself. It is 2010, a new year, a new decade, and time to keep myself to myself instead of writing every thought and feeling in public domain. I don't need this anymore.

Wants and Needs

'Tis the holiday season, and that means that it's the time to think about things that I want, things that I need, and what the difference is. Truth is, I don't really need anything. I could get through the future days the same way I've gotten through past days. People could argue that I need my meds so that I don't flop over seizing, hit my head and die. People could argue that I need money to pay bills and buy groceries and school supplies. People could argue that because of money, I therefore need my job. All of these would be correct, but in reality, what can a person live off of? Very little is actually a necessity. Food, shelter, and water... all of which I have. So in that sense, I don't need anything.

Wants are a completely different story. I want my computer to work smoothly. I want a new phone, or for mine to work the way it's supposed to. I want a new backpack. I want peace on earth. I want tolerance and understanding. I want certain people to be part of my life. I want friends. I want certain circumstances to change. I want a lot of things. But the thing about wants is that they are much more difficult to satisfy than needs, and one must learn to be content with wanting. Wants don't carry the expectation of being fulfilled; they only exist as desires. And I'm ok with that. Yes, I want things, but I can accept that I won't get most of them.

Then there are wants that become needs. There are moments when I truly feel like if I don't do something or get something or change something that I will go completely insane. Today is one of those days, and luckily for me, it is an easy fix. I need to exercise. I need to do karate. I need the peace that comes with it. I need the automatic responses. I need the sweat. I would like bruises. I need to do what I do best, for the sake of my own sanity.

So that's what I'm going to do today. I am going to go to school and work out. I will find peace, calm, and harmony. I will be centered. I will work hard. I will be in my happy place. And then, when I'm there, the rest of the world will fall away as it always does, and I will forget the rest of the wants. I will forget the struggles I have been dealing with for the last year. The thing I love most about karate is that it has the capacity to change absolutely everything without actually changing anything at all. And sometimes, that's all I need. That's all anyone needs: simple moments of quiet in a storm.

The Last Three Days....

have been a little rough.

I spent Tuesday and Wednesday at the Mayo, again. This time I met with an epilepsy specialist named Dr. Cascino. He was really super nice, and seemed way more concerned and interested in my well-being than Kantarci ever did. However, he talked at a million miles a minute and sometimes it was kinda hard to keep up. On the plus side, he has three goals for me: be seizure free, be on meds that I am side-effect free, and be able to safely and legally do anything anyone else my age can do (like drive). YAY FOR AWESOME GOALS! On the minus side, he's really concerned about the lightheaded spells or simple-partial seizures I've been having, and is deeply worried about the fact that I have them every day, several times a day. This worries me, because I have grown used to them and had almost brushed them off as a minor inconvenience, but if they really are seizures... it just gets a little scary again. On the neutral side, because it's helpful but inconvenient, I get to spend another 3 days in the hospital. December 14th I check into Saint Mary's, get my head all wired up, sit in a bed, eat hospital food, and be video-monitored 24/7 for 2-3 days. Greattttt. So I have that to worry about, and mostly, trying to get all my school stuff for the semester done before all that happens. Yay for stresss! (note the sarcasm).

So that was Tuesday and Wednesday. Wednesday night Shawn and I drove out to Paynesville to spend time with my family for thanksgiving. 'Twas uneventful. We ate and spent the afternoon yesterday with his family, and that was entertaining. Shawn thought it would be funny to slam the cool-whip lid into my face, so I smeared his with snicker-salad. It was enjoyable. Shawn's Grandma prayed for me and got all teary-eyed, which was sweeet but very awkward. Shawn made Kelsey cry by insulting her boyfriend. We watched Up, and I took a nap. Shawn and Josh wrestled and got in some brotherly bonding time. It was a good thanksgiving. We went back to my parents' house and watched Shawn's Star Trek movie on the big screen TV. Then we drove home...

When we got home it was almost 10, and knowing that Turbo's light switches off a little after 9, I went to go check on him and give him some food. His light was off, his temperature was stable, everything appeared as it should have, but his little body was unresponsive. We hope that he died in his sleep- he was curled up in his bag like he always does when he's sleeping. And of course, we hope he died painlessly. RIP Turbo, we'll miss you.

So that royally sucked. Today is black friday and I have to work, of course, as does Shawn. The thing is, Shawn is working this morning, and I don't work until night. We're hoping there will be enough time in between that we cann take Turbo's body to the vet and have him properly taken care of. I'm still crying.

In short- my health problems aren't getting better. Thanksgiving was decent. Turbo died :( and I'm super-stressed with work and school before I have to go back into the hospital. It's been a rough 3-4 days.

Stress

Ugh, so it's getting to that time of year when the stress is piling up. I have 3 major papers, and presentations to accompany them, none of which have adequate theses, and all of which need massive revisions.

I am tired, I am working a lot, and after thanksgiving our hours at work will be extended to midnight.

I have 2 days of Mayo appointments next week, and I'm worried about those. What if something is seriously wrong with me? Oh, and I found out that Paula, my advisor and prof of 2 of my classes this semester, has also had seizures and is on meds. It would have been nice to know this sooner, have someone who understands. Ugh. Whatever.

Although logically speaking, I have lots of time to do my work, I feel like I don't, and just thinking about it stresses me out more, which doesn't help, because when I'm stressed I get even less actually accomplished. In fact, I have a tendency to sleep a lot more.

Shawn told me to relax today, try to get some thought in about stuff without actually working, and it's helping. I'm actually talking to Dugan about my atheism paper and it's going really well and helping a lot. I just need to learn to relax.

I am going to be able to relax, right? I'm not going to go insane? Right?!

Miscellaneous Updates

1) I had another seizure. November 3rd. I can't be 100% sure, because Shawn was already gone to class for the day. I woke up and had a terrible headache and nausea, got up to pee, was super tired, and went back to bed for another hour. When I got up the second time, I showered and brushed my teeth like I normally do, and while brushing my teeth I realized that my bottom lip was swollen and puffy and looked like I had bitten it. I had been wearing my retainer so it wasn't nearly as bad as the damage my tongue took last time, in fact, most of the puffiness was gone by the end of the day.

Anyway, I called Kantarci and he set up an appointment with one of his colleagues that deals specifically with epilepsy, so for the two days before Thanksgiving I have another MRI, EEG and doctor's appointment in Rochester. Wish me luck.

2) I turned 21!!!! Yay!!! Got a bunch of gift cards, Mom and Knoll came to town and took me shopping and out for lunch, and I hung out with Nina and my new friend Laura and Laura's boyfriend Bob. It was fun. I got drunk, but not exceptionally so, and I was fine the next morning (both hangover-wise and seizure-wise). So yah, I have officially surpassed one of the last major legal hurdles. 16 was driving, 18 was voting and a bunch of other stuff, 21 was drinking. I'M A BIG KID NOW! :)

3) I'm pluggin away at school. Slowly but surely getting through the semester. It's tough, and I'm quickly running out of steam. I have 2 of my major papers mostly done, I plan on working on one this weekend, and I will have a major presentation based on those papers for each of my classes. Slowly but surely... can't give up... damn some days motivation is hard to come by.

Memory Issues Revisited

I realize today that I have a lot of issues. I have anxiety issues, I have memory issues, I have anxiety issues because of memory issues. I have lots of stress. I'm not the most social person in the world. I have some issues I need to work on.

I've been having more lightheaded spells lately. I refuse to call them seizures, even though I'm fairly confident that's what they are. They're not just on the left side of my body anymore, they now alternate between right and left. I still have some measure of control over them, but stress definitely aggravates it. Shawn thinks I need to go to the doctor again, just to check on things. Personally, I'm sick of doctors.

Today in my Buddhism class we were meditating, and the prof asked us all what we were feeling. A lot of people replied with "calm" "clear" "focused" etc... but in almost 20 minutes of meditation, I spent at least the first half feeling scared or anxious. Why does being alone with my thoughts terrify me? Why am I so afraid of everything?

We got to talking, in class, about what a person is. Philosophically speaking, of course. Some people thought that the self was contained within a soul, others in personality, some in thoughts, some thought the self was represented through actions... I think the self is made of memory, but no one who hasn't been there could understand what it's like to lose that. It really got me thinking, who am I? Who was I? Am I different now than I was a year ago?

I've decided I want to write a book. I think I'll title it "Out of the Void" with some sort of catchy subtitle (maybe "a year gained after a year lost") about my experiences with amnesia, epilepsy, and a lot of the things I've put into this blog in the last year. My biggest hurdle will be not turning it into a diary, not exposing my entire life, because, as we can see here, I have issues with overexposure. I'm glad no one reads this, because I don't need the world knowing that in the last year I've lost my memory, had major relationship issues with my fiance, had a falling out with my best friend, lost my driver's licence, etc etc etc. I mean, some of those things are public knowledge, but if I decide to follow through with this book idea, a lot will have to be edited out.

Long story short, I thought I was getting over this whole memory thing. I thought I was getting better, but I still have a lot of stuff to work on, and I think it's going to take me a lot longer than I expected to fully accept things and move on.

Buddhist Temple Visit

Saturday morning we went to the Buddhist Temple about 45 minutes away and fed the hungry ghosts. It was incredible, and knowing I'd been there before but not remembering is so surreal. I got up at 3:30, we left school at 4, and got there by 5. The monks did about an hour of chanting, both to the Buddha and then as part of the ceremony for ancestral spirits, and to call to any spirits that may have been reborn as hungry ghosts. Hungry Ghosts are these ghosts who are ugly and putrid and disgusting and they have huge bellies but tiny tiny mouths so they are always hungry, and they can only see things that are gross and dirty, so in order to feed them we had to throw sticky rice and fruit onto the ground. The whole purpose of the ceremony is to make merit for yourself and your family in terms of karma, as well as to honor your ancestors just in case they did something bad and were reborn as hungry ghosts. The temple was beautiful, and I had a really good time going.

Made Me Think

Have you ever been to the website makesmethink.com ? I love that site. It's all about different stories (most of them sad, sweet, or bittersweet) that affect a person and make them think. I had one of these moments yesterday, but it was a bit too long to submit to the website, so I'll post it here instead.

Yesterday, I went to school at the University of Minnesota with Shawn. He wanted me to, and we killed almost 3 hours between his classes. But when he went to class, I wandered around looking for something to do.
There was a preacher on campus. A man who wore a big sandwichboard saying that everyone is going to hell and with a big list of people who qualify as sinners on the front (fornicators, drunkards, pot smokers, gangster rappers, feminists, socialists, dirty dancers, homosexuals... the list goes on). He was dressed nicely in a shirt and tie, a cute little vest and khaki pants, and he was just standing in the middle of the courtyard, shouting for all to hear, stories and moral lessons. Naturally, considering we're on a college campus of over 50,000 students, a crowd formed, and many people shouted back. People would antagonize him, and ask him questions, and try to disprove him when he cited some scripture as evidence for his beliefs, but he did quite well under all the pressure.

There's another crazy preacher guy, who is apparently a regular on campus, but who might genuinely be crazy. He was wearing a big purple hat and usually just stands around reading the bible out loud, but today he decided that since other preacher was getting more attention, he would join in. Mostly he just wandered around throwing a football at kids and playing his guitar, but occasionally he would sarcastically mock the other preacher. Again, the first preacher dealt with this remarkably well.

Eventually these two were joined by a student (who I had seen earlier representing the atheist club on campus) wearing a sandwichboard that said "Smile, there is no hell" and just standing there quietly smiling. The entire time I was there watching, for over an hour, he just stood there quietly smiling. I respect that action more than anyone on the sidelines who was shouting, because he never said a word.

Then came the part that made me think, and made me very, very angry. Three students came running out from a building behind me, each with a can of silly string. They sprayed silly string all over the preacher, and ran off the other direction. He pulled up his board over his head to cover his face, and for a split second, I could see fear in his eyes. I mean really, how was he to know that what they were spraying all over him was silly string, and not pepper spray, or mace, or spraypaint, or who knows what else. It just made me wonder, how many times has he been attacked for his public preaching? How many times before has he pulled his board over his head in self-defense?

Yet he continued preaching. He and the crazy guy picked off as much of the silly string as possible, and he just kept going, as if nothing had even happened. It made me think, why is he doing this? Why would anyone put themselves in a position not only of ridicule, but possibly even danger, to preach the bible to a bunch of college kids? What motivates him? What does he think he's accomplishing? What gratification does he get from it? And the biggest question of all... how far would this man go to spread the word of God before enough is enough? How many times would he be willing to be ridiculed, humiliated, and even attacked? How serious would things have to get for him to stop doing it?

And maybe it's just because I'm taking a martyrdom class, but I had a couple more questions. Would he stop? Or would this man, and many others, be willing to give up their lives should the situation come down to it? And separately, the definition of martyrdom involves dying for a cause, but can a person be a martyr before death? What if death is not a requirement, but instead, a certain amount of suffering? Can a living person, willingly suffering for a cause, be considered a martyr?

These are questions I don't have the answer to, and may go much deeper than a situation of a preacher on a college campus, but the whole point is that it made me think, and I hope it makes other people think too.

And a note to anyone who thinks it's funny to attack another person, even with silly string... It's not funny. It's rude and just plain stupid. Have a little respect. I disagree with the guy as much as anyone else: I'm pretty much an atheist, I'm a feminist, I support gay rights, I drink, and I have premarital sex; but that doesn't mean I'm going to insult or attack someone who has the courage to get up in front of a crowd and talk about his beliefs. By publicly humiliating another human being, you're not being funny, you're making yourself look like an ass, probably because you are one.